Shit has a Silver Lining Too

After all the shit that I have been through in this past month I still developed THRUSH on my nipples! Yes, it is a minor case because I caught it early enough, but it is still there and one more thing I have to deal with and worry about. Now, it seems that Arlo has a little cold too. Aaaaaaahhhhahahahaah! (Did you detect the slight crazy-laugh amongst the insane screaming?)

However, shit has a silver lining too and all this has brought me to the Unitarian Universalist Church. I took the boys and went to a service this morning. It was just what I needed. The level of spirituality was perfect, the music and meditation was relaxing and the community was very open and I felt very comfortable there. I look forward to the service next week. Sam loved the nursery school and I ran into an old friend from high school. If you have never been and find yourself needing a spiritual outlet...it is a good place to try. Don't get wrong, I am not going to become a UU worshiper, but I needed something to help me deal with loosing my mom in a spiritual way. I found it and I am glad.

I will post soon with an update on the boys with some pictures. It seems they have both had a growth spurt recently and Arlo is now 15 pounds!

Progress

After a particularly rough day all around (*see below*), Sam put himself to sleep after our usual bedtime routine! I was so happy and relieved as I took this as a sign that he has adjusted to being here and our new daily doings. I, for the first time in almost 3 weeks, was able to stay awake after he went to bed and had some time with Arlo in the ergo asleep, to myself!

Yesterday my mom had a strange, disoriented afternoon. She spoke about some weird things like wanting to eat a "circle of ribbons" for dinner and needing to wear a "circle of pants". She has started wanting to make lists of things, but can't write. I handed her some paper and a pen today and she returned it with scribbles, thinking it was a list of supplies. She tried to help me fold laundry yesterday and could not even fold a simple small towel. Her blood pressure was alarmingly low. These are telltale signs of her body shutting down.

My spirits are higher today after talking with a few friends in Washington last night and getting out with my uncle and the boys for over 3 hours today. The sun is already setting, but Arlo is napping and Sam is playing at a new friends house so some time to myself feels REALLY good.

Icing on the Cake

I have been trying to find some good in the middle of all of this saddness and here are some of the things I have thought of and try to remind myself of every minute...

1. I am fortunate to have this time with my mother. So many people loose loved one without notice. I am able to spend the last bits of time with my mom and reflect on our life together.

2. I look for things for Sam and I to do together to try to keep his daily life as normal as possible. Yesterday we went for a hike in the woods without the baby. It was really nice. I will always remember it. On Monday we'll begin a parent-toddler gymnastics class.

3. I am spending a lot of really great quality time with my sister and she is getting some great quality time with the boys.

However, the icing on the cake is that Arlo has developed colic. I am doing all the things you do to avoid colic....and it isn't as bad as it could be...but it is bad when it is on! And why now? My strength as a mother, as an emotional woman is being tested. I feel like yelling, "what more can be thrown at me?"

Today my mom told me she wanted me to shoot her in the head...that is what can be thrown at me.

Owie-house Now Owie-home

Last Wednesday as we drove to the hospital in Portland for the last time, Sam saw the large building on the hill he recognized and said, "owie-house"! What a perfectly simple description of a hospital, an owie-house.

On Thursday, my mom was transported by ambulance to our 200+ year old home in Friendship, Maine. We set up a hospital bed in the living room by the old french doors looking out into the wintery woods. She is surrounded by old photographs and flowers, family and friends...as we all watch her die. We live in an owie-home.

I feel like I am living a movie...the Maine winters are so ethereal...grasses all brown and trees bare...there is no place quite like it. It all looks so sad and yet so peaceful. I love looking out the wobbly glass in our old windows and seeing the trees sway in the wind.

I have been getting up early in the mornings and sitting with my mom while the house is silent and the boys are alseep. It is nice. Yesterday we talked some about her memorial service, raising kids, and life. She has said some really wonderful things and I am beginning to feel like I have communicated some of things I want her to know.

This is one of the hardest thigns I think I will ever have to go through.

Dying In Maine

The morning after my last post, Matt woke me in the hospital to tell me that my mother had another stroke, a heart attack and blood clots that moved into her lungs. She was being transferred to the ICU at Maine Medical Center...she could only have days to live.

That day our pediatrician decided to let us leave the hospital, Arlo was responding to the antibiotics and he could go on oral antibiotics and be fine, not ideal, but under the circumstances it would work. So we were discharged from the hospital and we flew to Maine. We have been here since Thursday morning.

My mother is dying in the hospital bed with tubes running all over. She is on heavy pain medication and is not lucid. I get very brief moments to talk with her and we have all of our family here and friends coming all the time to visit and say goodbye. Poor Sam is going nuts in the cancer wing of the hospital, I am losing my mind, but we all need to be strong for each other.

One minute she accepts that she is dying and the next she denies it. She can't remember a morning conversation in the afternoon and she is stuck in this place that isn't alive and isn't dead.

The "plan" is to get her pain under control and get her home to die.

Arlo is crying so that is all for now.

Hospital - Days 1-3

I don't really know where to begin. I feel as if I entered the twilight zone 3 days ago when I walked into the emergency room carrying my 2 1/2 week old son. My mind is in a complete fog. The story you are about to read is quite sad...

Day One - December 24th:

I woke at 4 a.m. to the cooing and sucking sounds of Arlo. He nursed as usual and we both drifted off to sleep. An hour and half later, I woke to Arlo moaning. I handed him to Matt to change a diaper and when Matt handed Arlo back to me I noticed that he felt quite warm. We took his temp. The thermometer read 103 degrees. I immediately called the midwife and Matt looked online to find that we needed to take him to the ER. Just as we were leaving, the midwife called and confirmed.

We entered the ER at 6 a.m. From that point on the hours and minutes blend together. It all seems like a dream. Arlo's rectal temp. read 105. He had to have an IV, but being so young and so chubby, the ER nurses tried 5 times in his arms and legs to get a vein with no luck. A nursery nurse finally found one in his head. A spinal tap was done to rule out meningitis and a catheter was used to get a clean urine sample.

Sometime around 10 a.m., in the moments after the catheter and before the spinal tap, I received a phone call from my sister with news that mom was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer that has spread from her pancreas to her stomach, liver and abdomen. She has been given 3 months to a year. There is nothing that can be done to save her...the cancer is too far advanced.

At some point in the late morning we were moved to a room in the pediatric wing of the hospital. Arlo slept a lot, Matt and I lay comatose, watching T.V. and trying to absorb all that had happened.

Around 4 p.m. Matt picked up Sam from our friends home and went home. Arlo and I spent our first night in the hospital.

Day Two - December 25th:

Matt and Sam came to the hospital in the morning by sled. It snowed over a foot on Christmas Eve and the roads were terrible, not to mention our driveway! We live very close to the hospital Matt felt safer pulling Sam by sled than driving. We opened a few gifts, watched a movie and then Matt and Sam went home for a few hours. Arlo and I napped and I knit. There wasn't much to do here on Christmas Day. I put Arlo in the sling and pushing his IV pole with my right hand, we wandered the hospital halls a little in an effort to get out of our room. Matt and Sam returned around 6 p.m. to share Christmas dinner with us. Matt ate Salisbury Steak and I had Lasagna. Not the perfect Christmas dinner, but definitely one to remember.

Day Three - Today, December 26th:

This morning I woke very early and felt awake. So I knit and watched T.V. as Arlo slept. For the first time in 2 days I felt peaceful...but only for an hour before the sun rose. Once the daylight made my world clear again, my mind returned to reality. Arlo had an ultrasound around 8 a.m. I spent some more time knitting and trying to relax. Around noon Matt and Sam arrived and we were moved to a new room. A good friend stopped by and took Sam for a few hours...Matt and I were alone with Arlo for the firs time in 3 days. It was nice. Matt's mom flew in to help with Sam and we visited in the room for a while. Everyone left about 7 p.m. and I found myself alone with Arlo thinking about my mom. Our pediatrician ordered a urine sample from a catheter and our nurse put the catheter in while I held my screaming baby. He wouldn't pee so she taped the catheter and told me to nurse him. I contorted myself in a crazy ways to nurse Arlo as the nurse held the catheter in place. It took Arlo 2 hours to urinate enough for the tests. During that 2 hours I nursed him, I sang to him, he pooped on me, he slept some...it was awful and 2 of the longest hours of my life. Here we are at midnight and I feel like a truck has run over me, but it feels good to write.

It has been determined that Arlo has a kidney infection. He has been on very strong IV antibiotics for the last 3 days and will continue to be on them until at least Sunday, the 31st. It was an E.Coli bacteria, likely from a little poop in his diaper that travelled into his urethra, that caused the infection. We have been reassured that there was nothing we did wrong...this was just bad luck.

So, Arlo and I are here at Central Washington Hospital trying to rest and relax. Now that his fever has gone and the antibiotics are working, he is almost back to his normal self. He developed a rash from the laundry detergent they use here, so we have to bring everything from home...even his diaper salve (THANKS, AGAIN, JANE!!). I have been pumping to keep up my milk supply, as he was nursing less due to the IV fluids he was receiving. The hospital staff has been great!! We are co-sleeping, I wear Arlo in my sling and take him for walks, all of my meals (including a 4th, lactating mother's meal) are complimentary...I feel very comfortable here...so ironic after having a home birth and avoiding the hospital.

Matt's mom is here to help, Matt's brother arrives Saturday and I feel a bit more relaxed knowing Sam will have ample care and Matt will have help.

I haven't even processed the news about my mom. Everything seems so surreal to me and I can't imagine my mother dying thousands of miles away. My sister is there and I talk to her and she tells me how bad it is, but when I talk about it I feel like I am talking about a movie or telling a story about someone else. All of my emotional reserves have been spent on Arlo for now. When Arlo is well, we'll travel to Maine. It will likely be 2 weeks from now.

Arlo, 3 weeks

Finding our Rhythm

After two weeks as a family of four, I feel like we are finding our rhythm. The last few days have been very nice, the nights are going much smoother (since we discovered Gripewater for baby's gas) and I am alone with the boys today for the first time...all day! It has been a good day!

On Sunday we put up our tree. While Arlo napped on Matt's chest, Sam and I decorated the tree. Sam loved putting up the ornaments and he hung almost all of them! It was a really relaxing and peaceful holiday afternoon.