Milky Math

Arlo slept 7 hours straight last night

+ refuses to nurse on my left breast (a recent foible since the thrush)

+ napping for hours this morning (must be a growth spurt) _____________________________________________________________

= engorged left breast = pumpin' = 4 oz. of milk (a record for me!) = a saggy right breast = the funniest profile you've ever seen!

Happy Valentine's Day!

At Home

We returned to Seattle late Tuesday night and drove to Wenatchee on Wednesday. It was a nice drive with a long stop in Issaquah. It feels so strange to be home and it feels very comfortable too. We have so smoothly transitioned back into our old routine...I hate it. I hate that we transitioned so easily. It isn't fair to my mom. I feel very depressed all the time and try hard to keep a happy face while out and socializing...but breakdown atleast once a day, in Matt's arms, sobbing.

Sam feels good here. He has been so happy and sleeping so well at night. Arlo is doing fine. He now weighs 14 lbs. 14 oz. and is 24 inches at 2 months of age. He'll have some tests coming up to determine why he had the kidney infection and hopefully he'll be able to stop the antibiotics soon.

Today has been a rough day for me emotionally. When I think that socializing is the best way for me to move on, I really just want to be at home with the boys watching movies and reading books...in my pajamas all day with no agenda.

"You can't prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from making nests in your hair."

Passing

Last night at 11:35 pm, my mother passed away in her sleep. We were told on Tuesday she was only days away from her death and this was so. I feel very sad and relieved. In the last week my mom was very uncomfortable in a lot of pain when awake. This is all almost over. Matt is flying in tomorrow morning; the celebration of life will be Sunday afternoon; and we'll return to Wenatchee on Wednesday. I feel like I blinked and it ended, and I feel like the last month slowly creeped along.

Image

Arlo 6 1/2 weeks

Shit has a Silver Lining Too

After all the shit that I have been through in this past month I still developed THRUSH on my nipples! Yes, it is a minor case because I caught it early enough, but it is still there and one more thing I have to deal with and worry about. Now, it seems that Arlo has a little cold too. Aaaaaaahhhhahahahaah! (Did you detect the slight crazy-laugh amongst the insane screaming?)

However, shit has a silver lining too and all this has brought me to the Unitarian Universalist Church. I took the boys and went to a service this morning. It was just what I needed. The level of spirituality was perfect, the music and meditation was relaxing and the community was very open and I felt very comfortable there. I look forward to the service next week. Sam loved the nursery school and I ran into an old friend from high school. If you have never been and find yourself needing a spiritual outlet...it is a good place to try. Don't get wrong, I am not going to become a UU worshiper, but I needed something to help me deal with loosing my mom in a spiritual way. I found it and I am glad.

I will post soon with an update on the boys with some pictures. It seems they have both had a growth spurt recently and Arlo is now 15 pounds!

Progress

After a particularly rough day all around (*see below*), Sam put himself to sleep after our usual bedtime routine! I was so happy and relieved as I took this as a sign that he has adjusted to being here and our new daily doings. I, for the first time in almost 3 weeks, was able to stay awake after he went to bed and had some time with Arlo in the ergo asleep, to myself!

Yesterday my mom had a strange, disoriented afternoon. She spoke about some weird things like wanting to eat a "circle of ribbons" for dinner and needing to wear a "circle of pants". She has started wanting to make lists of things, but can't write. I handed her some paper and a pen today and she returned it with scribbles, thinking it was a list of supplies. She tried to help me fold laundry yesterday and could not even fold a simple small towel. Her blood pressure was alarmingly low. These are telltale signs of her body shutting down.

My spirits are higher today after talking with a few friends in Washington last night and getting out with my uncle and the boys for over 3 hours today. The sun is already setting, but Arlo is napping and Sam is playing at a new friends house so some time to myself feels REALLY good.