Icing on the Cake

I have been trying to find some good in the middle of all of this saddness and here are some of the things I have thought of and try to remind myself of every minute...

1. I am fortunate to have this time with my mother. So many people loose loved one without notice. I am able to spend the last bits of time with my mom and reflect on our life together.

2. I look for things for Sam and I to do together to try to keep his daily life as normal as possible. Yesterday we went for a hike in the woods without the baby. It was really nice. I will always remember it. On Monday we'll begin a parent-toddler gymnastics class.

3. I am spending a lot of really great quality time with my sister and she is getting some great quality time with the boys.

However, the icing on the cake is that Arlo has developed colic. I am doing all the things you do to avoid colic....and it isn't as bad as it could be...but it is bad when it is on! And why now? My strength as a mother, as an emotional woman is being tested. I feel like yelling, "what more can be thrown at me?"

Today my mom told me she wanted me to shoot her in the head...that is what can be thrown at me.

Owie-house Now Owie-home

Last Wednesday as we drove to the hospital in Portland for the last time, Sam saw the large building on the hill he recognized and said, "owie-house"! What a perfectly simple description of a hospital, an owie-house.

On Thursday, my mom was transported by ambulance to our 200+ year old home in Friendship, Maine. We set up a hospital bed in the living room by the old french doors looking out into the wintery woods. She is surrounded by old photographs and flowers, family and friends...as we all watch her die. We live in an owie-home.

I feel like I am living a movie...the Maine winters are so ethereal...grasses all brown and trees bare...there is no place quite like it. It all looks so sad and yet so peaceful. I love looking out the wobbly glass in our old windows and seeing the trees sway in the wind.

I have been getting up early in the mornings and sitting with my mom while the house is silent and the boys are alseep. It is nice. Yesterday we talked some about her memorial service, raising kids, and life. She has said some really wonderful things and I am beginning to feel like I have communicated some of things I want her to know.

This is one of the hardest thigns I think I will ever have to go through.