Dying In Maine

The morning after my last post, Matt woke me in the hospital to tell me that my mother had another stroke, a heart attack and blood clots that moved into her lungs. She was being transferred to the ICU at Maine Medical Center...she could only have days to live.

That day our pediatrician decided to let us leave the hospital, Arlo was responding to the antibiotics and he could go on oral antibiotics and be fine, not ideal, but under the circumstances it would work. So we were discharged from the hospital and we flew to Maine. We have been here since Thursday morning.

My mother is dying in the hospital bed with tubes running all over. She is on heavy pain medication and is not lucid. I get very brief moments to talk with her and we have all of our family here and friends coming all the time to visit and say goodbye. Poor Sam is going nuts in the cancer wing of the hospital, I am losing my mind, but we all need to be strong for each other.

One minute she accepts that she is dying and the next she denies it. She can't remember a morning conversation in the afternoon and she is stuck in this place that isn't alive and isn't dead.

The "plan" is to get her pain under control and get her home to die.

Arlo is crying so that is all for now.

Hospital - Days 1-3

I don't really know where to begin. I feel as if I entered the twilight zone 3 days ago when I walked into the emergency room carrying my 2 1/2 week old son. My mind is in a complete fog. The story you are about to read is quite sad...

Day One - December 24th:

I woke at 4 a.m. to the cooing and sucking sounds of Arlo. He nursed as usual and we both drifted off to sleep. An hour and half later, I woke to Arlo moaning. I handed him to Matt to change a diaper and when Matt handed Arlo back to me I noticed that he felt quite warm. We took his temp. The thermometer read 103 degrees. I immediately called the midwife and Matt looked online to find that we needed to take him to the ER. Just as we were leaving, the midwife called and confirmed.

We entered the ER at 6 a.m. From that point on the hours and minutes blend together. It all seems like a dream. Arlo's rectal temp. read 105. He had to have an IV, but being so young and so chubby, the ER nurses tried 5 times in his arms and legs to get a vein with no luck. A nursery nurse finally found one in his head. A spinal tap was done to rule out meningitis and a catheter was used to get a clean urine sample.

Sometime around 10 a.m., in the moments after the catheter and before the spinal tap, I received a phone call from my sister with news that mom was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer that has spread from her pancreas to her stomach, liver and abdomen. She has been given 3 months to a year. There is nothing that can be done to save her...the cancer is too far advanced.

At some point in the late morning we were moved to a room in the pediatric wing of the hospital. Arlo slept a lot, Matt and I lay comatose, watching T.V. and trying to absorb all that had happened.

Around 4 p.m. Matt picked up Sam from our friends home and went home. Arlo and I spent our first night in the hospital.

Day Two - December 25th:

Matt and Sam came to the hospital in the morning by sled. It snowed over a foot on Christmas Eve and the roads were terrible, not to mention our driveway! We live very close to the hospital Matt felt safer pulling Sam by sled than driving. We opened a few gifts, watched a movie and then Matt and Sam went home for a few hours. Arlo and I napped and I knit. There wasn't much to do here on Christmas Day. I put Arlo in the sling and pushing his IV pole with my right hand, we wandered the hospital halls a little in an effort to get out of our room. Matt and Sam returned around 6 p.m. to share Christmas dinner with us. Matt ate Salisbury Steak and I had Lasagna. Not the perfect Christmas dinner, but definitely one to remember.

Day Three - Today, December 26th:

This morning I woke very early and felt awake. So I knit and watched T.V. as Arlo slept. For the first time in 2 days I felt peaceful...but only for an hour before the sun rose. Once the daylight made my world clear again, my mind returned to reality. Arlo had an ultrasound around 8 a.m. I spent some more time knitting and trying to relax. Around noon Matt and Sam arrived and we were moved to a new room. A good friend stopped by and took Sam for a few hours...Matt and I were alone with Arlo for the firs time in 3 days. It was nice. Matt's mom flew in to help with Sam and we visited in the room for a while. Everyone left about 7 p.m. and I found myself alone with Arlo thinking about my mom. Our pediatrician ordered a urine sample from a catheter and our nurse put the catheter in while I held my screaming baby. He wouldn't pee so she taped the catheter and told me to nurse him. I contorted myself in a crazy ways to nurse Arlo as the nurse held the catheter in place. It took Arlo 2 hours to urinate enough for the tests. During that 2 hours I nursed him, I sang to him, he pooped on me, he slept some...it was awful and 2 of the longest hours of my life. Here we are at midnight and I feel like a truck has run over me, but it feels good to write.

It has been determined that Arlo has a kidney infection. He has been on very strong IV antibiotics for the last 3 days and will continue to be on them until at least Sunday, the 31st. It was an E.Coli bacteria, likely from a little poop in his diaper that travelled into his urethra, that caused the infection. We have been reassured that there was nothing we did wrong...this was just bad luck.

So, Arlo and I are here at Central Washington Hospital trying to rest and relax. Now that his fever has gone and the antibiotics are working, he is almost back to his normal self. He developed a rash from the laundry detergent they use here, so we have to bring everything from home...even his diaper salve (THANKS, AGAIN, JANE!!). I have been pumping to keep up my milk supply, as he was nursing less due to the IV fluids he was receiving. The hospital staff has been great!! We are co-sleeping, I wear Arlo in my sling and take him for walks, all of my meals (including a 4th, lactating mother's meal) are complimentary...I feel very comfortable here...so ironic after having a home birth and avoiding the hospital.

Matt's mom is here to help, Matt's brother arrives Saturday and I feel a bit more relaxed knowing Sam will have ample care and Matt will have help.

I haven't even processed the news about my mom. Everything seems so surreal to me and I can't imagine my mother dying thousands of miles away. My sister is there and I talk to her and she tells me how bad it is, but when I talk about it I feel like I am talking about a movie or telling a story about someone else. All of my emotional reserves have been spent on Arlo for now. When Arlo is well, we'll travel to Maine. It will likely be 2 weeks from now.

Arlo, 3 weeks

Finding our Rhythm

After two weeks as a family of four, I feel like we are finding our rhythm. The last few days have been very nice, the nights are going much smoother (since we discovered Gripewater for baby's gas) and I am alone with the boys today for the first time...all day! It has been a good day!

On Sunday we put up our tree. While Arlo napped on Matt's chest, Sam and I decorated the tree. Sam loved putting up the ornaments and he hung almost all of them! It was a really relaxing and peaceful holiday afternoon.

Chocolate and Tears

I have been waiting to post until I had real worthy news. I just love opening my blog page and seeing my sweet little boy sleeping soundly and posting somthing more exciting than the birth of our second son is hard to come by and it means that life is moving beyond that magical and eventful day...but life has moved on and slowed down and post-pardum has hit.

Last night, after a full day without Matt's parents help, we were all exhausted and trying to have some down time in front of the TV (where else do you do that anyway?). I realized in a sleep-deprived haze, that Sam was not with us in the family room and headed upstairs to find him. I thought he might be playing the hiding game, where he hides under the crib and we find him...he hides in the same place every time. Sure enough he was hiding under the crib, though this time he was hiding with a brick ( I kid you not, a brick sized chunk) of Mexican chocolate, of which he had eaten a full corner, chocolate smeared all over his face and hands!

Now, a rational mother would have done one of two things...reprimanded her son for stealing chocolate and eating it at 7 p.m. OR laughed at the hysterical two-year old antics and cleaned up her son. This mother is not rational. This mother is post-pardum, wearing her baby in a sling, with milk boobies hanging and leaking like punctured water balloons in socks! This woman begins crying hysterically, in between sobs saying, "I'm an awful mother!" About this time Matt comes running upstairs hearing my cry and thinks I have dropped the baby. When he finds me standing in the middle of the kitchen with tears streaming and Sam standing next to me, chocolate covering every square inch of his toddler face, looking guilty as all hell, he, as a rational father, begins laughing hystercially! Poor Sam didn't know what to do, laugh or cry and, of course being the sensitive kid he is, begins crying because I am, because I can't stop now that I have started. Sam and I cuddled on the couch, he wiped my tears. Matt sat near by and comforted and then Sam said, "Mommy stinky". After some discussion and deduction, Matt and I concluded that Sam was telling me I had stinky breath! We all laughed at that and I felt so fortunate sitting there with my new family of four.

Arrival

Arlo Kenneth Grieshop arrived at 11:56 p.m. on December 5th, weighing 10 lbs. 10 oz. and measuring 22.5 inches after only 3 hours of labor.

In the end, I did need to take the castor oil to push myself into labor. Almost exactly 2 hours after drinking it, I started having very strong, very intense, contractions, 2 minutes apart. The labor progressed very quickly and only an hour after the midwife arrived, Arlo was born in our living room!

It was a fantastic labor and birth. For birth photos, please visit our family webpage, www.grieshop.5u.com , and click on the "photos" page link. Enjoy. A birth story will be soon to follow.

Not as Planned

Well, it is happening, just not as planned! It appears that my water broke around 3:30 a.m. and I didn't really figure it out until this morning...so at noon I called the midwife and she wanted us to "get labor started"!! So we went to Target and walked, I had contractions 3 minutes apart, then they stopped on the drive home, we walked some more around our neighborhood and it seems that may have done it! I have been having conractions 4-5 minutes apart for an hour or so. The plan is to go with this until baby comes OR until the contractions subside. If they subside we'll move on to castor oil induction.

It looks like we'll be having this baby within the next day (or two on the long end). Please send good thoughts...non-castor oil thoughts...my way!

December Baby

I know, the title is misleading...still no baby, but he'll be a December baby now! Last night we thought it was time...I had contractions 8 minutes apart for 3 hours. We called the midwife and the doula and I was mentally preparing myself for an all night labor...when around midnight the contractions faded.

I thought at least I'd get a "good" night's sleep (as good as you can get when you're this pregnant)...but I have a nasty head cold and so I didn't sleep much at all.

Sam is going to play at a friends house this afternoon for 3 hours and I am going to rest and meditate and talk to this little boy. Perhaps, after suggestion from a good friend, a deep meditative talk is all he needs to know it is okay to make his arrival. I am willing to try just about anything. Tonight is a full moon...I have the universe on my side now.

Though only 2 days overdue, I know what it is like to wait for an overdue baby and the thought of waiting another week is disheartening.

It Has To Happen Now!

Well, it has to happen now! My last pregnant and waiting cohort has had her baby! Yes, Kristy went into labor yesterday (the day after her due date) at 5 am and birthed a beautiful, 8 lb. 8 oz. baby boy, David, at 1:30 pm...only 8 1/2 hours of labor. She labored at home up until the last 2 hours and finshed off on all fours at the hospital. A perfect first birth and hospital birth!! Congratulations Kristy and Jeremy!! I am so happy (and extremely jealous).

I visited with the midwife tonight and it was a good visit. We had a long talk about the birth and what to expect in the next couple of weeks should I go way past due. That part wasn't fun to talk about, but was necessary.

I am still 70-80% effaced, 3-4 cm dilated and she stripped my membranes in hopes of moving things along...we'll see. I have certainly lost my energy in last two days and feel like we're close, but talking about the "past due plans" made me a little nervous. If by next Friday I have not had the baby, I will have a non-stress test at the hospital. I don't want to do that. Matt and I decided we'd try the castor oil on Wednesday if nothing has happened by then. I sure hope things happen by then....they have to, right??

Update

I got a phone call from a dear friend this morning wondering how I was doing. She said she'd checked my blog and saw nothing new and couldn't stop wondering about me. It was then I realized I would be feeling exactly the same way about any of my dear friends expecting a new baby any moment (and do feel about Kristy who is due today...I check her blog 2 times a day!). So I decided to give an update, though there isn't much to write.

I am still very pregnant and waiting. I had a second wind of energy yesterday and did a bunch of organizing, cleaning and general nesting type stuff. Sam was a big help and now I feel like I am looking for things to do during nap times...which isn't all bad! I completed Arlo's quilt this weekend and am making good headway on Matt's socks...but knitting doesn't always appeal to me. I even started making "waiting for baby" pot holders with left over quilt squares. The house looks great, very clean, organized...and I feel quite ready for this little guy.

I have been very "crampy" today and have been having some contractions, though nothing regular or even worth calling the midwives about. I tried checking myself yesterday as I don't see the midwives again until Thursday...but I couldn't really tell what was going on down there. It felt to me like I have dilated a bit more, but I can't be sure. It will be interesting to see what they say on Thursday...if I make it that long.

So there's the update. Lots of house projects, sewing, knitting and snow (we got 7" on Sunday). It is definitley winter here and so pretty!

No Babe Yet

No babe yet...and I am okay with that! It all still feels impending, but I have been finding some fun stuff to do around the house and I know that will end when baby arrives, so I am enjoying this time.

Sam and I did a little running around town today and I am all set up to knit Arlo a Christmas stocking, make some pillows for a friend and all the quilt squares are cut and ready to sew for Arlo's quilt. We also bought a couple Christmas wreaths and I did a little light yard work and outdoor decorating this morning with lots of help from Sam.

I am feeling pretty good! Sarah (doula, good friend, massage therapist, for those of you who don't know her name by now) came by on Wednesday and gave me another amazing massage allowing me to sleep the last two nights without hip pain!! She is amazing and I attribute most of my late pregnancy energy and flexibility to her! I went mushroom hunting for 2 hours on Wednesday afternoon and yesterday morning, Matt, Sam and I went for an hour-long walk!! It has been nice to get this "second" wind...I know it will not last!

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

I will post when I go into labor (if there is time), so don't be wondering too much if there isn't much written about baby in the upcoming days....

Closer and Closer

We met with our midwife last night and she checked me again...this time 70-80% effaced and 2 cm dilated. I can tell we're getting very close. When I stand up I feel so much pressure from his head and sometimes I can't even walk it hurts so much! I remember feeling very different in the days before Sam arrived and this is similar. I checked my self on Sunday and lost part of my mucus plug in the process, but was very easily able to find my cervix all squooshy and ripe and tell that I was at 2 cm, so I wasn't too surprised at what the midwife had to say last night...very cool!

We're meeting with our doula tomorrow night for a last pow-wow about the birth and a massage! Send good birthing vibes my way.....

Nesting

Yesterday a group of women gathered at a local cafe to give me a baby shower. It was more traditional, in a sense, than the mother blessing I had last weekend...though it was still a wonderful afternoon. Each woman was asked to tell the story of how she met me and what about me spurred them to want to get to know me better. It was hard to listen to all these fantastic women tell me how fabulous I am!! The stories were all so varied yet, the reasons they wanted to become friends with me were all quite similar. Aside from having children in common, many of the women said that they love how open and accepting I am. I was so happy to hear that! They were also very thankful for the attachment parenting group I have established...they spoke of how important the group has become to all of them. Hearing that made me the most happy! I have wanted so much to create an AP group here that allows attachment parenting families to have the support and comradery that I found in my AP group in KS.

After receiving all the baby goodies yesterday I moved into major nesting mode today! All I have wanted to do is get diapers situated and clothes all washed and put away. We needed to figure out a new place to store diapers so there was enough dresser space for clothes and that was more complicated than it should have been! This is the first time I have felt the nesting urge and it feels good and I am now beginning to really realize how close this baby is to arriving.

Mother Blessing and the Belly

On Saturday, four of my very closest girlfriends, gave me a mother blessing. It was amazing. When pregnant with Sam I had two traditional baby showers. They were fun and, I think, necessary, being that I was about to be a first-time mama. This ceremony was perfect the second time around. I was able to appreciate the spiritual aspect of becoming a mother. I had no worries about needs for the baby, or fears about the birth...just the afternoon to focus on the meaning and passage in becoming a mother again. Poems were read, feelings were shared, tears were shed, beads for a birthing necklace were blessed, a meal was shared...it was very calming, restorative, and empowering.

I am a willow tree, strong yet fluid...graceful...

I can bend with the wind but my roots are tough and indestructable.

Opening to birth my child is flowing through me from the ancient water of life fully nourished by my body.

My body is strong, but flexible...it is my friend, it knows how to open, as "she" has been opening for all humanity.

I am friend to my body.

I love her as a dear old friend.

I nourish myself.

I shall birth safely, freely, openly like a flower blooming among my trusted loved ones.

I am the willow, flexible, beautiful, resilient, endowed with the power to surrender to the wind rustling through my branches.

38 1/2 weeks

Progress

I met with the midwives last Thursday and I was 60% effaced and not quite 1 cm dilated! I was surprised to be effaced that much, though it all means very little to me at this point. I just don't feel like he's quite ready to come yet. I have been enjoying my reflection lately, all round and womanly. My belly is so round this time (see below). I can see the difference and I certainly feel the difference!! (Wow, I look a lot older now, too!)

Sam at approx. 35 weeks Arlo at 36 weeks

Recent Events

A few recent events...some happy, some not:

On Friday, Jennifer Reese, my yoga instructor and new friend, died in a tragic car accident due to icy roads. She was 38 years old with 2 teenage daughters. She had been my yoga instructor for the past year and had been very excited about this new baby. She was wonderful in helping me make adjustments to my asanas as my body changed throughout the pregnancy. In the last month, she had bought a building to open her own yoga studio. Though we saw each other little outside the yoga studio, when I did see her it was as if we were the best of friends. She had such brilliance and spirit about her. I am quite shocked and sad about it all. Tonight there will be a private memorial with the yoga class. I plan on going, though I am nervous about it.

On a happier note, Sam peed in the potty all by himself on Saturday for the first time! It was so nice to finally see him do this and he was so proud! We celebrated with lots of hugs and high-fives and you could see him hold his head a little higher! It hasn't happened since, but he is starting to tell us when he needs to go. I can tell we are getting much closer.

Waiting...But Not Just Waiting

We have been back from CA for a week now. The market has ended and the waiting begins. On Saturday I will be 37 weeks and from that point on I can go into labor and have the baby at home until December 16, when I will be 42 weeks and will then be transferred to the hospital. I am not worried about that happening at all. I have the most confidence in my body and in nature and I know this little guy will come when he is ready.

So what have I been doing to keep busy while I wait?

• cleaning the house...not just surface cleaning or scrubbing, but organizing...it feels good.
• playing with Sam as much as I can while we are still a "one child" family.
• washing baby everything!
• getting the crib together, the dresser ready, the diapers organized...etc.
• buying the appropriate home birth supplies, washing, sterilizing and storing them.
• finishing my Christmas shopping.
• printing labels for birth announcements and Christmas cards and labeling and stamping envelopes.
• wrapping Christmas gifts and getting boxes ready to be shipped, so when the time comes anyone can drop them off at the P.O.
• knitting and sitting with Sam and lots of movies.
• baking pies and freezing them for Thanksgiving.
• enjoying the fabulous Fall weather and tree colors.
  

Of course this list is a "still in progress" list that is not complete, but it will be within the next few weeks. I don't feel rushed, but I am glad that I have things to do while I wait.

Sam was a viking for Halloween! We felt that it suited his personality in the sweetest way. It was a fun collaborative project to make the costume. Matt's mom helped and provided the great fur fabric. He had a blast running around in it, growling and being cute. We took a Halloween train ride with our friends Stacy and Jaadyn and then walked down one cul-de-sac near our house for trick-or-treating. It was more than enough for all of us! The amount of candy was incredible for 10 houses and I was pooped by the end of the walk. Sam stayed true to his Viking theme and charged into every home yelling "more candy please!" everytime a door was opened! He finally got the idea by the end that it was much more polite to stay on the door step and say "Thank you!" The folks were very understanding and everyone loved his little costume.

California

We left Wenatchee on Saturday afternoon, spent Sat. night in Redmond, OR, tried to see Crater Lake on Sunday morning, but couldn't because of fog, cleaned up Sam's puke after a bit of carsickness...and eventually rolled into Davis yesterday evening around 7 p.m. It feels very good to be here as an entire family. Matt is with us and with NO work to do, we are enjoying each others' company. A nice stroll to the park with Jake, the elderly family dog, a great mexican lunch, Sam napping....we are having a nice day.

No real plans to speak of other than a day trip to San Francisco and I will meet up with the Davis Farmer's Market manager at some point to talk about market things....just a nice slow visit. Perhaps a trip to the Sacramento Zoo will be worked in...we'll see!

Realization

I am not sure if Sam really understands all our talk about "baby"...but today he had a small realization. While we were laying down for a nap the baby started kicking me and I asked Sam if he wanted to feel the baby kick. He said, "baby kick?" and put his hand on my tummy and then little Arlo gave a HUGE kick and turn and Sam perked up and smiled and squealed and said, "baby kick!" It was so great. I felt as if he did understand that there is a little person in there. I asked him after dinner if he was ready for the baby to come out of my tummy and he said, "baby go." I am not sure if that meant yes, or if it meant that he wanted the baby to go away! I think (hope) he meant that he wants to the baby to come out! I do too!

New Obsessions

I thought for sure that my second pregnancy would be easier....you know, easier in that I have already been through most of this, I understand a lot of what my body is going through and can anticipate/remember what is to come next. Easier in those ways. What I didn't anticipate is the same silly obsessions, obsessing about the same worries!

My newest pregnancy worry: in our last ultrasound, baby was breech. Though I still have 10 weeks or so remaining, I am worrying about him not turning. I have dreams about emergency C-sections and not being able to have the home-birth we so want to have. I know this is probably normal, but I can't help but think about it. I am pretty sure he turned, but I can't tell and I remember being able to tell with Sam. Matt assures me that I had this same worry with Sam...I can't remember!

Anyway, I have my next appointment with the midwives on Monday and I will ask them to feel around and see if they can tell if he's turned. I know all of the rationalizations...."he'll turn and if he doesn't then he'll come out one way or another and I will have my beautiful baby boy. That is what is most important..." But, I want a natural home birth. The experience is important to me. So many people don't seem to understand that. There are so many babies born everyday that the miracle of life we create has become lost and routine. The whole experience is so much more than that.

Shoes and Other Addictions

No, the shoes are not my addiction....they are my SON'S addiction!! He is 28 months old and he is so particular about shoes...which ones he wants to wear, what shoes other people are wearing...in books, he immediately looks for/at the shoes and we hear about shoes contstantly! He wants shoes on first thing in the morning and I ask him to pick out his shoes...if I choose them there will inevitably be a tantrum. I know this is probably a phase, along with a million other phases we will ride through and I mostly get a kick out of it...but there are many mornings when the word "shoes" is the last word I want to hear.

My recent "addiction", of sorts, is this job. The "non-perks" of the last post aren't so prolific anymore, and it is becoming quite routine and enjoyable. However, a day does not go by where I am not thinking or talking about this job and the "market". It feels good and it feels very strange to have something other than motherhood and Sam to think/talk/dream/obsess/worry about. I do find myself looking forward to the end of the market season already, but only because I am so physically tired at the end of my work days. That is largly due to the pregnancy and my ever-growing belly (of which I have recent photos and will post very soon). The weather is cooling and that helps a lot, but I still find myself quite drained by the time I get home.

Non-Perks of the Job

Ok, so "non-perk" probably isn't even a word, but I needed something to describe the things that I do not like about this job. And they seem a lot like what a "non-perk" would be if it existed.

1. I am SO incredibly tired at the end of my work hours! My body basically shuts down and on the weekends my boys are anxious for me to return home and once I get there I need a cold shower, lots of water and a nap. It is 5 pm or later before I am ready to be social and the part-time hours aren't so part-time when you consider all of that.

2. Sam is really noticing my absence. He is either very clingy or testing old boundaries when he's around me OR he wants nothing to do with me. I know with time he'll adjust, but it is hard for me to not feel guilty about enjoying my time at the market, when I know that his world has been shaken.

So there are the two major "non-perks". I feel like they are pretty big ones, but I still really enjoy the job. With time, both will become less evident.

Perks of the Job

Along with the time away from Sam and the non-mommy socialization I am getting with this market job...there are some great perks!

1. A laptop computer that is Wi-Fi compatible. I have been using it at home and it is so nice to be able to get little things done while Sam is in the living room playing or outside where I can see him. I no longer have to wait until nap time!


2. Lots of free organic veggies and fruit. I don't even need to elaborate!


3. A cute business card...


4. A market cell phone...though I have my own and it almost never rings (thank goodness), it is nice to have the option to make long distance calls on the market dime instead of mine.


5. Radio time! Yes, I did a radio spot on Tuesday afternoon. It will be a weekly event...granted, it was AM radio and it lasted only 5 minutes...but nontheless, it was radio!


6. The proud title of Market Coordiantor for the "most progressive farmer's market in the nation", according to Columbia University. (which Columbia Univ., I am not sure...heh)

Anyway, I am really enjoying the job and I didn't even realize how much I needed something outside of the home and my mommy circle. I have been floating on clouds the last week. I feel so much more fullfilled...and I still get to be at home with Sam! I am such a lucky gal!

Farmer's Market Gig

Today I was officially hired as the new Wenatchee Valley Farmer's Market Manager! I am excited and nervous about the job...as one usually is about a new job. I think it is going to be a very good addition to our family socially, and financially. Wish me luck and if any of you have any suggestions for me about what a good market manager should be, please let me know!

When It Rains...It Pours!

I wasn't even looking for a job. According to "Dear Abby" I already have a handful of positions as an at-home mom that could receive an annual salary of over $100,000/year!! I am about to get a "promotion" of sorts, being 6 1/2 months pregnant...so additional, out-of-the-home, work wasn't a top priority for me.

Then I heard about this opportunity to help a pottery studio get up on it's feet out at the Tierra Learning Center, a retreat center celebrating cultural diversity. I spoke with their interim director and had meetings with the staff. It looked as though I might have a part-time job!

When I returned from my visits in Maine, I had emails and calls from friends involved with our Farmer's Market. The market manager had resigned and the position was open...many folks thought I would be great at the job. I initially thought, NO WAY!! But, as I read more of the job description, then shadowed the interim market manager, hadn't heard from Tierra in a number of weeks...I decided to apply. The board decides tonight and it looks as though I will have a part-time job beginning Saturday.

This afternoon I had a call from the director at Tierra. They are still interested in getting me involved with their pottery studio! When it rains, it pours! I had a brief discussion with them about my availability and it looks as though we'll work something out....very, very part-time...teaching a class here and there in the pottery studio!

I really wasn't looking for a job, but I found some very positive opportunities I can't decline.

New Things

Yes, as mentioned in my last post, there were many new things in and happening at my house when I returned from my trip. Some new items, new looking things and new behaviours!

Tonight was a first in bedtime history! I read Sam two books, sang him two songs, kissed him goodnight and left the room with him AWAKE...and not a peep from him!! He just went to sleep on his own. Absolutely amazing for me! I knew that Matt's mom had achieved this while I was gone, but I was not sure that he would do the same for me. I am so happy that we have reached this milestone! Thanks Pat!



Now, for the new things!

This is the deck with our amazing view from the backyard.

Here is a close up of the deck. I tried to find a before picture, but couldn't...so just imagine a pale gray, weathered deck! Much improvement!



My new laundry line. I love it!



These are the brick steps that Matt's dad built for us during a previous visit. It is pretty bare around them now, but try to imagine nice flowers and greenery around them!



We had a volunteer pumpkin plant grow from the compost. We have about six pumpkins this size and more to come. I am so excited!

WHEW!

WHEW! That is the only word I can think of to express how I feel after the last month. I don't think I have even processed everything enough to write about it in depth. I feel like a different person...more adult, more like a "woman", more like the mother I imagine others to see me as and less like the mother I saw myself as (in a good way...just more grown up...seasoned).

Some highlights:

• I flew home to Maine to help my mom and dad adjust to thier lives after my mom's stroke. The stroke left her unable to speak and with difficulty communicating through words (though she is getting better at it). I was there almost 2 weeks, the longest I have been away from Sam.


• While there I went through a myriad of emotions ranging from fear and sadness so strong I vomited to guilt for leaving Sam to elation after hearing my mother say my name. The days crept by and the weeks flew by.


• I flew home the day after the terrorists were arrested in England...needless-to-say my travelling experience was far from relaxing and uneventful. 24 hours after I left Maine I arrived in Wenatchee to Sam running across the train station parking lot screaming "mama" in a half happy, half scared voice. His smile wiggled on the edge of frown. I am still not sure how I feel about being apart from him for so long. After Matt's mom and dad left this morning, Sam is still quite confused about who is supposed to be here and who is not.
  


• When I arrived at home major changes had occurred... a newly refinished deck, a new laundry line, a new toaster oven. All wonderful gifts, but my house felt very different. I am certainly not complaining about the changes, I just haven't settled in yet.


• I started teaching a one week art camp at our local coop preschool today. It is only an hour and a half 4 afternoons this week, but it feels like so much of my time is consumed by it. I am enjoying it so far, but am glad that I do not teach elementary art full time anymore!


• I am meeting with our Farmer's Market director tomorrow morning for an informal interview for the new market manager's position. This position will be 3, 1/2 days a week, May-October, and pays very well. I think it will be a great part-time job for me with some social time away from Sam and he will only need a sitter one morning a week. We'll see if I am hired, but I have a strong feeling I will be.

To those of you who have called and I have not called back...I will...I promise. I feel like I am going and going and running to stand still. Once I can catch my breath I will call and visit. I am thinking of you all.

Life Changes

Isn't it crazy how we can barely remember, or even remember less and less, about our childhood as we get older? Life keeps changing...we graduate from high school and the years fly by with major life changes. Maybe we go to college, maybe not....meet a lover (or two, or three ..or more); get married, have babies, buy a house, sell a house.....in my case move around the country every 3-5 years.

Life just keeps changing and it feels as though as soon as I have adjusted to one change another comes along. When do we stop adjusting to changes and just live? I asked Matt this question and his answer was, "Never!" I guess he might be right. He asked me, "What do you qualify as a life change...something as gradual as entering puberty, or as sudden as moving or having a new baby?" I started to see his point.

My mother had a sever stroke on Monday night. When she entered the ICU on Tuesday morning she couldn't swallow, see with her right eye, use her right arm; she was on oxygen and she couldn't talk. Now, 3 days later, she has regained all of the functions lost except her speech and she still has some trouble swallowing very thin liquids. She can write, but her handwriting is not always legible and she has a hard time communicating...using only 3-4 words to convey an entire thought. My dad has been amazing and we're all figuring out how to deal with this life change.

On Monday I will fly to Maine, alone, to help readjust my mom and dad as my mom returns home from the hospital. My sister will join us and for the first time in 7 years we will be together as a family. I am scared and nervous to see my mom, though I know I will feel better once I am there. I am anxious to help...it is killing me to be so far away.
Matt's mom is flying in on Monday to help take care of Sam and Matt while I am away. I am so thankful I have such a supportive mother-in-law. It is amazing how family steps up when they need to.

The last few weeks have been so crazy with Sam and I just returning from 2 weeks in Maine, then this. I don't feel like myself at all and I have so little time to think about this pregnancy. I keep forgetting I am even pregnant...other than the lack of mobility and the ever constant kicking from within!
I am scared to be away from Sam for so long. Up until this trip, our longest separation has been 5 days...this will be about twice that. Having Matt's mom here makes me feel better about leaving, but I know I will miss he and Matt incredibly.

When I return from this trip I will be 6 months along and only 3, or so, months away from another life change.

Yoga and the ER

After 2 months or more of time away from my yoga class, tonight I returned...boy, what a change...or should I say, how has the boy changed me! I didn't do yoga when I was pregnant with Sam. It never felt right. This time I enjoyed it early on (before the nausea set in) and tonight it was amazing. I feel so centered and connected to my baby boy. Don't get me wrong, the poses were all a lot harder to do having to adjust for my growing belly. I still gained so much from the class and look forward to my next class next week. During Savasana (which was majorly adjusted with piles of wool blankets creating a sort of bed for me to lay against....wonderful) I reached down and put one hand on where the baby's heart might be, and my other hand on my heart. Immediately tears came to my eyes and I felt a strong connection. It was magical.

Yes, the ER. I have a feeling I will get to know the ER well over my years as a mother of two boys. On Thursday evening, as we were all relaxing and watching a movie, Sam decided to climb/jump from the coffee table to the futon sofa and fell (of course) and smashed his head and ear on the wooden arm. He didn't cry right away, but instead started shaking his head and breathing funny and I knew that something was wrong. It turns out he had split his ear at the top. It swelled and started to bleed immediately and we couldn't tell if he had split it through the cartilage or just through the flesh...thus the trip to the ER. It was horrible there, as Sam wouldn't hold still for the tech to clean it. He screamed and we had to pin him down. The tech wanted to wrap him in a sheet and hold his head down. I did not want that at all. So we took a break and a doctor came to put the steri strips on his ear. He had just ripped the flesh, fortunately, and did not need stitches. Anyway, 4 days later you can barely tell it was such a freak experience and it is practically healed! He talks more about the "owie" (blister) on his foot than the really big "owie" (I would think anyway) on his ear. Go figure.

20 Weeks

Finally, for those of you who have been wanting a belly shot...here it is!! I finally figured out my image upload problems...so you can also see an ultrasound image in "IT'S A BOY!". I am at 20 weeks in this photo and looking pretty cute...I think! I certainly haven't been feeling cute all of the time, but every now and then I do.
We have chosen a name....Arlo! I think it is final. It seems weird to still have 4+ months before he arrives and we know his gender and have a name...but, I like it this way...this time. I am glad we waited with Sam. We still can't decide on a middle name...maybe that will be the surprise...or maybe we'll all be surprised and an Isabel will pop out!
He moves a lot and I started having Braxton Hicks contrctions last week while travelling. They seem to be very frequent and strong if I am too active (like carrying a 32 lb. boy in a sling all day while travelling around airports). Over the last few days I haven't had as many.
We meet with the midwife again next Monday and we have found a doula! Her name is Sara and she is completing her needed birth hours for certification, so she isn't charging us anything. She is a good friend of mine and friend of other women I know and trust AND she has worked with our midwife... as well as had our midwofe catch both of her girls. She is also a certified massage therapist! BONUS! She's good too...having a 90 minute prenatal rub from her a month a go, I can atest.
I promise to be better about posting now that my image issues are over...I love having the visual aspect.

A Visit Home

Sam and I arrived in Maine on Thursday morning and it feels really nice to be home for a number of reasons...

1. It is great to see my folks! We have been relaxing and playing with Sam, going for walks, eating ice cream!

2. Without my regular home chores; I can really play with Sam...or not and my Mom and Dad will. I get some free time to just relax and nap or sleep in....very nice and needed.

3. I haven't cooked one meal since I have been here and my mom did my laundry...I am 28 and she'll still do my laundry when I visit.

4. The weather here is much nicer than when I left Washington...though humid, not as hot!

5. I am vacationing on the coast of Maine...who can complain about that?

Reasons to not like being here:

1. My husband is not here.

2. Dial-up internet connection ( I am spoiled with fiber).

We are planning a trip up north to camp for a few days and I love it up there, so of course I am looking forward to that. Sam will love the river and the animals...lots to explore!

It's A boy!

Yes, it is a boy! The ultrasound went very well and it was such a joy to see the little guy moving around and wiggling his little fingers. Above you can see his head with his little hands and an arm! He weighed 8 oz. on the day of the ultrasound and the computer decided that our due date based on his measurements should be November 25, instead of December 2. The midwives didn't see any need to change the date officially though.

Ultrasound Wednesday

When I was pregnant with Sam we opted not to have an ultrasound and it wasn't until I was 7 or 8 months pregnant that our midwives thought we might be having twins and ordered one! So, we went and it was the worst experience of my life. To make a long story short...the tech had no bedside manners and basically eluded that our baby had some kind of heart defect. We left the hospital in tears. I had hoped the ultrasound would alleviate my fears of deformities and such. As it turned out, Sam was fine. We waited to find out the sex until the birth day and that was fun.
This time we are going to find out...assuming that the baby cooperates....and just for the record, 2 days before the ultrasound, I think we're having a girl. We'll see! I am also looking forward to seeing the little critter and having a much more positive experience. I'd like to have prints of the pictures this time too.
This morning my girlfriend Stacy came by with her son Jaadyn and while the boys played outside in the 100 degree heat (they wanted too, I promise!) we organized baby/toddler clothes (inside in the AC) and I got a pretty good idea of what I have that can be used again should this be a girl. I have a fair amount since we did not find out with Sam, lots of yellows and greens...very safe for either sex.
So think good ultrasound thoughts for us and I'll post as soon as I have more news!

Baby Names...Ugh.

So, of course we've been having the baby name discussion and I am searching and reading trying to think of the "perfect" names. When I was pregnant with Sam we used to talk about names on our long drives to and from Topeka. It was easy then. We decided on two names and that was that.
Sam's names were:
Samuel Barrett Grieshop (obviously the chosen one)
Nora Haviland Grieshop

This time we have picked (so far):

Isabel Haviland or Aurelia Grieshop
Willa Haviland

Emmett Kenneth

We also had Amon Kenneth for a while, but recently I nixed Amon...too close to "Amen". I also like Liam, but I don't think Matt does. This will all get easier when we find out the sex in just 10 days!!
Any suggestions??? Help us out!!

Yellow-Jackets and Dreams

On Sunday we were heading out of the house to run some errands and I stopped at the garbage bin to dump some things. I accidentally dropped my car keys down into the can and needed help retrieving them. Matt came to help and I stepped back to give him room and stepped directly on a yellow-jacket nest! I was immediately stung a minimum of 5 times ( I can see at least 5 swollen spots) and it hurt!! I haven never been stung by yellow-jackets, by bumble bees many times, but this was much more painful! I screamed and ran into the house. Matt followed and we poured cold water on the stings followed by witch hazel. The witch hazel helped relieve the pain and the swelling. Today I am fine, just a little itchy. YUCK!

Over the weekend I did not sleep well due to a number of horrible dreams including two very vivid dreams that I gave birth to a stillborn. Both dreams I gave birth in the living room and I woke crying. The third dream I had involved Sam and Matt's parents and a trip to have our ultrasound. I abandoned Sam and he wouldn't look me in the face in part of the dream. It was a long and detailed dream, too long to write, but I think it has to do with being a little nervous about our ultrasound in a few weeks. When I was pregnant with Sam in the week before our ultrasound for him, I had numerous awful dreams including one that I can still vividly remember where he was horribly deformed. I know the dreams are normal, but it doesn't make them any easier to handle!

Sam Update

Sam had his two year well-child appointment this morning. He weighs 30 lbs. 8 oz. and is 36" tall...a full 3 feet!! He reached 98% in height and in head circumference, and 75% in weight. He is a growing boy! The ped. does think that Sam's speech is a bit delayed and referred us to an audiologist and a speech therapist. So we'll see what happens there. My boy is so big!

Forgot about Nap time

After all these weeks of feeling so cruddy and tired and needing to nap when Sam does....I have forgotten how nice it is to put him to sleep and then have a couple hours to myself! This morning has been crazy with Sam having tantrums and Jaadyn whining a lot....we had playgroup at the park which was nice, but chaotic. After I left Sam's room with him sound asleep I stepped into the kitchen and felt such a sense of relaxation and relief and it all came back to me! Ahhhhh, naptime is really nice!

So after catching up here and sending a few emails I am going to finish cleaning up my sewing area and finally have my space to create returned to me! Now that I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER, I can actually use the space too! YEAH!!!

The second trimester of pregnancy ROCKS!

Sam is TWO!

Well, it is the big day! Sam's second birthday and I am in total disbelief, but I really do love this age. We went through a rough spot at about 20 months, but since things have been great and I am not sure why they're called the "terrible two's"...yet anyway!

At two Sam:

• Loves to play with his cars, trucks, boats...anything that will "go, go, go", as he likes to say frequently.


• Has some language skills, uses a few words such as, "more", "please", "go,", "NO!"...and a few muddled phrases like, "Where did it go?" and "Go away, please", which he says to the dog when he is trying to steal Sam's snacks.


• Puts himself to sleep in his big boy twin bed that beloged to his father, grandmother and great-grandfather.


• Sleeps usually until 6 a.m. then joins us in our bed and sometimes sleeps longer.


• Is completely weaned, as of about 22 or 23 months of age and it quite fine with it. He adjusted well and never asks for milk anymore, but will still talk about it when he sees my exposed breasts!


• Is beginning to share very well and show compassion for others when they are upset. He is also beginning to understand that his actions have reactions, such as taking a toy from his friend will make his friend cry.


• Is showing signs of being a somewhat disciplined boy! Or I should write that he is listening to directions and requests with much more respect than ever before! I like that!


• Is extremely energetic, enthusiastic and exuberant! He has more personality than most kids his age here. I am not just biased! He will express himself with fabulous shouts of joy, grunts of distaste, screams of anger. All of his emotions are amplified compared to his friends. I really enjoy it.


• Enjoys the movie "Robots" and almost any book you'll read to him. He will now sit through 4 or 5 books before bed and really likes the "Little Monster" and "Little Critter" series from the late '70's and "Duck on a Bike" is still a big favorite.


• Weighs about 30 lbs and I am not sure of his height...but will measure him soon. He wears a 3T consistently now and his shoe size is an 8/9!


• Still enjoys cuddling with mama and I LOVE it. He will sometimes take a nap laying on my chest on the couch.


• LOVES daddy and looks forward to his homecoming everyday...loves to help with yardwork and generally be outside.

Score!

I couldn't let this score pass by without bragging....just a little! For all you Birkenstock lovers out there....I scored these birks, the exact birks I have been wanting, in my size (almost to a "T"), in the exact color I wanted....for only....wait you'd better be sitting down.....yes, for only ONE DOLLAR! I know, you can stop crying now...I will add that the the soles are in superb shape, the leather inners are barely worn....aside from a few slight scuffs you can see around the toes...they might as well be brand new! So, with a savings of around $119.00, I can now go buy a cute summer preggo dress to wear with them! And who knows...maybe in a few years when I am in need of a new style, they'll get passed on to one of you lucky folks! P.S. Ignore the pasty white, scaley, legs attached!

Update

Well, I haven't written much in a while, as there isn't much new here. Just trying to get through this first trimester (almost there, another week to go!) and salvage my house and family. My visit with the midwife at 9 weeks, after an internal exam, showed that my uterus is growing about 2 weeks larger that my actual gestation. Just like with Sam! I am beginning to feel better. The mornings are good, but by afternoon and definately evening, I am tired and then feeling sick around 8 pm. So I try to get most things done in the morning and so far so good. I am not napping everyday, like I was, but some days I still need them.

We meet with the midwife on Monday to hear the heartbeat and I am excited for that, as we haven't heard it yet.

Next week is Sam's 2nd birthday! I am planning a little playgroup party..should be fun!

Immigration Demonstration

Yesterday Matt, Sam and I went into downtown Wenatchee to watch and support the immigration reform demonstration. Thousands of people came to protest and it was so empowering I was in tears. The peacful and strong chanting in English and Spanish, "Yes, we can!", and "Once unified, never divided!". It was such a sight to see and to be a part of. For the story and photo credits visit: http://www.wenworld.com/index.php

Never Thought

The past month of our lives has pushed us to make a few parenting decisions that I thought we'd never come to...but they seem to be working for us. With my being sick all the time and feeling my worst in the evenings and Matt now working more in the evenings; we have been working with Sam on putting himself to sleep....and yes, there has been some crying involved.

A few nights ago we decided to talk to Sam about putting himself to sleep. So, I read some books to him and sang a few songs and then explained that I was going to leave the room and that it was time for him to try to go to sleep on his own. He nodded and seemed to understand. I left the room and the crying ensued. He cried for about 15 minutes when Matt went in (I was in bed at this point) and once again explained that everything was okay, we were just outside the room...Sam nodded and Matt left. He cried.....etc. This lasted about 45 minutes. He didn't cry the entire time, and Matt went in every 15 minutes to comfort him and eventually he went to sleep. The next night it was 30 minutes....the same routine and last night it was less than 10 minutes. Nap times are working the same and today he only cried for about 5 minutes.

I know that any hardcore AP parent would chastise me for what we're doing and I have felt a little guilt. I just can't go through the nighttime bed routine we were doing feeling like I am and Matt is now working right during bedtime. This solutions is working and Sam seems to be doing just fine. I haven't noticed any extra clinging during the day or acting out or any strange behaviour at all. It helps that we are completely weaned now and have been for a few weeks. He doesn't even ask for milk at all anymore! (I am actually okay with it too!)

So, needless-to-say, I never thought we'd let Sam "cry it out". And even if I rationalize that he's almost two and we can reason with him, that he's not an infant and he can understand our presence exists outside of him room, that he is showing no signs of rejection or abandonment......it is still a form of "crying it out". I am coming to terms with the fact that we can still be AP parents even if we've chosen this method...right? I still honor Sam's needs and listen to him. I am still a compassionate mother that holds the mother-child bond higher than any other. I still encourage positive discipline. I don't spank.

I just never thought....

"It Was Easy!"

Matt and Sam returned from their cross-county adventure yesterday about 5 p.m. I was gifted another full day of rest and "LOST" episodes on DVD as Matt decided to spend the morning in Seattle with friends before the drive over the mountains.

When they pulled into the driveway I expected to see Sam awake and smiling, excited to see me...but to my surprise he was fast asleep in the car seat. This gave Matt and I some time reconnect and talk about the trip. When asked how it was to travel alone with a toddler across the country, Matt replied, "It was easy!" Yes, I was very surprised at his response, as I have never found it to be easy! But, I was glad to hear that he enjoyed the trip with his son. This could lead to future adventures without Mom, you see....and I could handle that once a year or so.

Today was a very good day with my feeling exceptionally well and energized for a change. The weather was amazing, 70 degrees and sunny...so we spent the morning at the park blowing bubbles and playing in the sun, the afternoon sleeping, and the evening grilling chicken and taking a leisurely stroll with Matt and Cyrus. All in all a very nice day.

Now, I am feeling quite sleepy and ready for bed...good night.

A Bit Better

I don't have much time to write this morning as I head out to babysit for the day, but I am feeling a bit better. It comes and goes and yesterday was a little rough, but today seems to be going pretty good so far.

Matt and Sam are on a daddy-son adventure to Iowa to visit Matt's grandma. I opted to stay here due to my sickness! It is a quick trip, but it leaves me here with no kiddo to watch and no hubby to help! I am mixed about the time away. If I were feeling well I would be excited and busy with fun projects....but since I am not I rented the first season of Desperate Houswives so I can see what all the hubbub is about and plan on doing nothing!

It is gorgeous here and my gardening thumb is beginning to itch....it is just that my gardening energy is too busy growing a baby!

Wiki-Me

A fun task when you're not feeling top notch...or when you are....thanks Scatterville!

Do a Wikipedia search of your birth date, minus the year; list three interesting events, three people who were born, and three people who died on that day.

Events:

1. 5509 BC - The world was created, according to the Byzantine Empire.


2. 1960-Disgruntled railroad workers effectively halt operations of the Pennsylvania Railroad, marking the first shutdown in the history of the company.


3. 1975-The last original episode of the American television series Gunsmoke airs on CBS after a record 20-year run

Births:

1. 1923 - Rocky Marciano, American boxer (d. 1969)


2. 1976 - Erik Morales, Mexican boxer


3. 1984 - Joseph Trohman, American Guitarist for Fall Out Boy

Deaths:

1. 1715 - François Girardon, French sculptor (b. 1628)


2. 1988 - Luis Alvarez, American physicist, Nobel Prize laureate (b. 1911)


3. 2004 - Ahmed Kuftaro, Grand Mufti of Syria (b. 1915)

Nausea, Viruses, and In-Laws

Okay, that sounds really bad! I love my in-laws and they are here visiting for a few days and saving me! I am feeling so icky and the nausea (and vomiting) hit so hard that I have been taking Unisom and B6 at night to help. It does help, but I still feel ick. Anyway, they have been cleaning and cooking and shopping and doing laundry and I have been sleeping and eating and really enjoying it!

Sam has a nasty virus in his mouth, close to Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease, except he doesn't seem to have it on his hands or feet. We took him to the doc today and he said there is nothing we can do, but provide pain relief and wait it out! Ugh, he cries constantly. The doc said it is extremely painful and contagious! So, a few sleepless nights ahead (with a few already behind us) and lots of bubble gum flavored ibuprofen.

Exhaustion

Okay, so I think I forgot to mention how extremely exhausted I am! And here is what I have been eating the last week:

• Toasted bagels, sometimes with honey, sometimes with PB, sometimes with both.


• Rice Chex cereal.


• Mac and Cheese, from a box, the powdered cheese kind ( I haven't eaten it since my last pregnancy).


• PB Cliff bars.


• Canned chicken soup.


• And lots of Peppermint Lifesavers.

That is my diet. Ugh! Time for a nap.

It is all Coming Back

Only 5 and 1/2 weeks into this pregnancy and it is all coming back to me! I went to bed last night with extreme nausea only to toss and turn for hours until Matt got out of bed and got me some crackers and 7up. That did settle my stomach and I slept well after, however, this morning and until about 2 pm today, the nausea returned. I worked hard at keeping my lunch down and fortunately it was a mellow day with just Sam and I, the T.V. and 4 movies! I did manage to get some laundry done and cook dinner, but otherwise I was the preverbial, "bump on a log".

My extreme sense of smell is here along with very sore and brown nipples...the usual first trimester pregnancy woes. Anyway, I know there are weeks to come of this and I am wishing it was the first time all over again, so I didn't know what to expect! UGH!

Home Birth It is!

After sharing my research wih Matt and meeting with the midwife, Laurie, we have decided to have a home birth! I am so happy about our decision. I know it is definately the right choice for us. I feel so much more relaxed about the pregnancy and I am not as anxious about the birth.

Laurie answered all of our questions perfectly. Our first appointment with her is in 2 weeks. More to come...

Definite Difference

I called the hospital yesterday to learn what the estimated costs for giving birth might be. This is what you'll get for about $10,500.00:

1. A 2-night stay whether you really need to be there or not.


2. An episiotomy (you may not receive this, but you pay for it)


3. A 1 1/2 hour separation from your baby only 1 hour after birth so the baby can have a bath(why?), a Vit. K shot and eye goop. All of this can be denied, but it is not encouraged to do so.


4. Prenatal, delivery and post-pardem care for the mother and the baby.

The positives are that you can have your other children in the delivery room and you baby can room in with you, though it is often encouraged that the baby sleep in the nursery so the parents can rest.

We will pay a little more for a home birth, but it seems worth it to me. We meet with the midwife tomorrow. I can't wait.

Faint, But There

It is faint, but it is there! Yes, I am pregnant again and so excited! We have been trying, but really only had to try one month and I was pretty sure about this one from the start!

About 6 days after I ovulated I had a little spotting and wondered if it was implantation spotting, but didn't want to be too hopeful or over-analytical...but you all know me, I can't help it! I kept looking for the signs and sure enough a few days later I started getting hungry every few hours. I was pretty sure at that point, but still wondering. Then, last Sunday I woke up feeling sick and at that point I was almost positive, but still no test to prove my instincts. Then the next morning I woke with the same sickness....that afternoon I checked my chart to see when my period was due and sure enough, I was close enough to take a test. And there you have it! Now, I am 3 days overdue for my period and feel that this is a sure thing.

I am about 4 1/2 weeks along, still very early. The baby is due to arrive around November 29, but most likely in December. So far I have no sickness as long as I keep eating every few hours and sometimes more frequent than that. I am very tired, however, and find that I need a nap to make it through the day.

We are looking into having a possible home birth, though Matt really wants to explore all of our options, even the hospital, which doesn't excite me. However, money is an issue and the responsible thing to do is what he is suggesting. I have already contacted the midwife and we have a meeting with her next week. I will also call the hospital on Monday and look into the expenses there. Our insurance covers us at 90% in the hospital and only 60% with the midwife...go figure!

Still either way, I am thrilled to be pregnant and so is Matt! Sam seems to know that something is up. He is asking to nurse all the time now which is posing a heated internal battle as to whether or not I should keep nursing or wean completely. I can't decide.

Just For Fun

Recently Sam has:

• become very interested in pretend play and likes to dress, undress, feed, bath and put to bed his monkey and baby doll.


• said a number of two or three word phrases...this morning it was, "What was that?"


• developed into the most colorful and expressive toddler I know in town...I am not just being a biased, love-sick mama either.


• lost interest in long sessions with our beloved babysitter, the T.V. (I am thankful and disappointed all at once).


• enjoyed playing in the sink in the kitchen, pretending to wash dishes and can move the chair from the dining room to the kitchen and climb up to the sink all by himself.


• figured out how to pull out the drawer under the oven and stand on it's edge so he has full access to the stove top...scary.


• learned how to walk down the stairs, upright, without holding on to anything...also scary.


• learned how to open and close all the car doors and loves to hang out in the parked car and play with all the buttons an knobs and wheels...very cute.

Inspiration

There are so many things/people that have been inspiring me lately. Here are a few who help:

1. Skiing. Every time I go skiing I feel so refreshed. The exercise is meditative and I become so focused on my body and my environment. I love it. I am going to morrow afternoon and can't wait.

2. Yoga. I have a new morning yoga class at the YMCA. I begin my Thursdays with so much balance and peace.

3. Scatterville. She is attachment parenting, unschooling...raising 3 phenomenal kids, gutting a house and still has time to create artsy, practical things. Check her out!

4. Undercoverhippie. This woman has two awesome kids she is so patient with, a Douala business, countless groups and organizations she is involved with and she still has time to call me up and tell my she likes my website! I love her!

5. Jane. This is the woman I talk to everyday of my life (just about). I can barely get through my day without my morning coffee and my chat with Jane. She is in the middle of buying a house, raising her sweet boy, getting ready to grow for the market, finding a job...I am humbled by her energy and positivity.

6. Yarn. Just looking at my yarn makes me feel inspired! I love yarn!

7. My Mom and Dad. They both just retired and seem so happy to just be together. They don't seem to do a whole lot...but then again they have spent the last 30 years running around crazy, so who can blame them?

8. My sweet sister. She is on the eternal search for the perfect job. She always seems to have a good outlook on her prospects.

9. The spring rain. The hillside by our house is getting so green and it makes me feel so happy for the gardening that is almost upon us.

10. Matt. My dear husband who tries so hard to keep me happy and does a fabulous job. I wonder how he manages to stay sane sometimes.

11. Sam. His outlook on life is fabulous and when I remember to let go of the "rules", I enjoy it with him too. We spent most of the afternoon outside today in the rain jumping in puddles. It was great.

12. Our community. The active people in our community are wonderful. I have recently become closer with a woman that really enjoys life and is so active with many aspects of this town. I love my friendship with her. We talk about everything and I learn so much from her, plus she never makes me feel like I am an irresponsible parent because of the way I allow Sam to explore. She is a wonderful and creative mother and artist and community activist. Cheers to you Sherri!

Fast and Busy Week

The first week with Jaadyn went very well. He and Sam play so sweetly together (except when Sam gets a surge of jealousy and steals a toy...or two) and I managed to get all my normal things done while Jaadyn was here. I also feel more compelled to get outside with both boys here and so we took some great walks around the neighborhood, including down the canal to feed the horse. The boys LOVED that. We also finger painted and read books, played outside in the yard...lots of fun!

On Friday I hired a friend to watch Sam and I took Jaadyn to the first organizational meeting for our Wenatchee Valley Farmer's Market. I went as a comminuty member hoping to give some feedback and share ideas with an alterior motive of getting the board to recognize me and hopefully become a board member for this growing season and many to come. It was an awsome meeting! I was so energized and I could tell that I energized the board. My good friend Sherri called me friday night and left the most wonderful message that said how I had lit a fire under the boards' butt and all afternoon they were so excited and inspired and she thinks I'll be on the board soon! I felt so good at the meeting, so inspired and excited about something meaningful. I haven't felt this way since I first began teaching and with teaching it only lasted 6-8 months! I think I may have found my next non-parenting avenue in life. Jaadyn did amazing too! He sat on my lap and drew with markers, played with his cars, played with some ice...but he was quiet and happy for the entire 3 hours! I could never have brought Sam to this meeting. He would have been climbing the walls and pulling down the fake trees...those of you who know Sam know what I mean( I am reading Raising Your Spirited Child and it seems to all apply to Sam).

Last night Matt and I (Sam at home with a babysitter) went to Mission Ridge to meet 28 others for a Midway dinner party! We took the lift up to the Midway restaurant at 6:00 p.m.(the ridge closes at 4 p.m.) and had a fabulous dinner and drinks with friends and then we skiied down at 9:30 p.m. by moonlight! It was so beautiful! We could see the lights from the city and everything around us had a surreal glow that was unforgettable.

During dinner I sat across from an OBGYN from Seattle. Of course, I took this opportunity to ask her a million questions about birth and pregnancy and the policies in her hospital, etc. She is an OBGYN I would love to have access to. She does not belive in: circumcision, episiotomies (nor does she perform them), unnecessary C-sections, and she will perform VBAC's!! I couldn't believe it! She was awsome and I really enjoyed my conversation with her. She did tell me that she doesn't consider a couple serious about trying to get pregnant unless the mother is not nursing...I didn't like that. Oh, well...not everyone is perfect.

This morning, as usual, I skiied while Matt stayed with Sam. The skiing was great and I met an older (70's) man that I really enjoyed. We skiied together and he bought me a cup of cocoa. He shared stories of the valley and stories about the geology of the valley, along with life stories and love stories. I really enjoyed my morning with Bill.

Now, Sam sleeps as he fell asleep at 5 p.m. watching a video with Matt and I. We all fell asleep and I woke to find Sam dead asleep with no waking him. So, we moved him to bed in hopes that he is out for the night...we'll see.

Tomorrow begins a new week in which I only have Jaadyn one day. I am actually kind of sad, as I really enjoyed having him around.

New Week, New Faces

Today was the first day of many, that I will be babysitting a little boy named Jaadyn. His mom works part-time and has dad full-time, but his shifts changes every four months. For the last four months he'd been working from 3 p.m.-11 p.m. and so he watched Jaadyn in the mornings and Jaadyn's mom watched him in the afternoons. Well, now he is working all day so I stepped in and will be watching Jaadyn from 8:30 - 1:00 p.m. The schedule is nice because I will have Jaadyn all this week, then next week I will only have him on Thursday and Friday and the weeks will rotate like that until mid June.

Jaadyn is so sweet and listens very well and he and Sam play nicely, though Sam gets a little jealous when I have to pick up Jaadyn...but I know as time passes we'll all get used to each other. The extra money will be nice and will help pay for some plants and bushes and landscaping needs this Spring!

A new week with new faces and new routines...the morning went very fast....

Today

TODAY:

7:30 a.m...I woke to Sam slapping me in the face and saying, "Ma, Ma, Ma" and pointing to the kitchen; the sound of the shower running (Matt); the beautiful sun streaming in my livingroom; and the prospect of the attachment parenting meeting at 10.

8:30 a.m...The phone rings, it's the plumber (we had sewage bubbling up in our downstairs bathtub). He won't make it to the house until noon (fine, because I can't be back until then because of the AP meeting), and he wants Matt's cell phone so he can call him when he's almost to our house...p.s. we can't use the 2-ply TP anymore, only the ARMY grade 1-ply. Yeah.

8:45 a.m...Matt requests that I bring him a cell phone charger because his phone is dead and he needs it to get the call from Grant, our plumber. I agree, and gulp my coffee as my morning has just been pushed up an hour.

9:15 a.m...Sam points at my breasts and makes the "milk" sign while saying, "ba, ba" as I put on a shirt and nod saying, "yes, that is where the milk comes from", in effort to distract him from the impending nurse. It works.

9:30 a.m...I struggle with Sam to get his diaper changed, and clothes on...then to brush his teeth. He particularly hates this these days...why, I can't figure out since he LOVED it just 5 days ago.

9:34 a.m...In the car headed to Matt's office to drop off the cell phone charger, listening to Jack Johnson, my new fave, and watching Sam dance in the rear view mirror.

9:45 a.m...Matt kisses Sam through the open car window as I hand him the charger and we zoom, zoom (really, we do, we have a Mazda!) out of the TFREC (Tree Fruit Research and Extension Center) parking lot.

9:55 a.m...Sam and I arrive at the church for the AP meeting... I am nervous and excited.

10:05 a.m...Sam plays with all the "new" toys as I sit in the rocker wishing I had brought my latest knitting project (socks for Sam, my first) and hope that atleast one person shows up.

10:35 a.m...My good friend Sara and her daughter Freya arrive and I am relieved that Sam and I don't have to spend the entire 2 hours alone in the nursery that has already bored him to tantrum! We chat and it is really nice to catch up with Sara (who is 3 months pregnant).

10:55 a.m...Amanda (yes, we have the same name) arrives with her son, Koa, 3 months. Amanda is the only person who heard the public service announcement on the radio and called me! She is 26 and Koa is her first baby. She is a sweet woman with a beautiful smile, though only 2 years younger than me, seems much younger. I really enjoy chatting with her and am so glad that she has become involved with our AP group.

11:15 a.m...Tricia arrives with no kids! Tricia is new to town like me, though from Texas. She has two African-American adopted daughters, Sophia, 15 mos. and Amelia, 2 1/2 yrs. She has a thick southern/Texan accent and is very loud. I enjoy her energy and smile. She seems to need to talk, a lot. I don't blame her after being here six months with few friends, non of them AP. I can relate.

12:00 noon...the mamas have left and Tricia and I clean up the room as Sam stands at the window pointing to the park across the street saying, "go, go, go" very fast and with a certain anxious tone that is very common these days. It is a gorgeous day so I decide that a few minutes at the park is deserved. (All in all, I think the AP meeting was a success and I look forward to the group growing. I know it will as this is a small town and fairly conservative for the NW. I know there are AP mamas and papas out there and as the fliers hang longer the radio announcements are read and reread, more AP folks will appear...I just know it.)

12:10 p.m...We arrive at the park to unexpectedly meet up with our friend Doug and his son Jaadyn (whom I will start watching next week). We play for a while and I decide it is time to leave when Sam tries to steal another kid's lunch!

12:35 p.m...We arrive at home to find Matt and Grant, our plumber, outside watching the rooter splash sewage onto my recently planted Iris garden. I just nod my head, sigh, and head for the kitchen to prepare lunch. What can I do?

1:30 p.m...Sam is having quiet time, Matt is still helping Grant, and I am having coffee and reading the newspaper...some relaxation.

3:00 p.m...Grant leaves and Matt gives me the final verdict. TAMPONS! I don't even use tampons anymore and haven't for months! Even when I used them I NEVER flushed them! Who flushes tampons? And, Grant also restated that we can't use the nice TP anymore. Bummer.

3:30 p.m...Matt decides there is no sense in him returning to work and we sit in the living room and play with Sam, snack on some Trader Joe's Flax seed tortilla chips (YUMMY!) and really enjoy each other.

4:30 p.m...Sam can't stand to be inside anymore so we go for a long walk as a family. It is really nice and Sam gets very pooped as we walk (and so does he) nearly 1.5 miles.

5:45 p.m...I cook dinner...Curry Chicken and Rice with Raisins. Sam's favorite, though he burns his mouth on the first bite because I didn't cool it off enough. erg.

6:30 p.m...Sam is in his P.j.'s and we're laying down for bedtime. I love the early bedtimes now that naps no longer exist.

6:54 p.m...I sit down to check email and write a blog about today with a glass of white wine while Matt gets a movie.

7:29 p.m...I am writing this sentence and am ready to pass out from exhaustion. I think I'll knit some first though....

Wenatchee AP Underway

Tomorrow is our first Wenatchee AP meeting and I am nervous and excited!! I have been advertising all over town and on the radio and stalking every sling wearing mama around! I got a call from an AP mom tonight who heard the public service announcement on our local "hippyish" radio station and she's coming tomorrow and has 2 other AP mama friends! Yeah! I feel the attachment love brewing in this town.

I have toyed with having some kind of handout or motivational quote for tomorrow...but then I think I should just let it be as it will....maybe a Hathor cartoon? I don't know. Anyway, I am quite excited to get this going! Send me good calm vibes for tomorrow!

Check out the website: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WenatcheeAP/

Back Home

We're back home after 3 days in Seattle with friends and family. Matt's mom and dad flew up from CA to visit and they took Sam Friday night, Saturday and Saturday night, while Matt and I stayed with some dear friends from college. We were away from Sam for the longest period of time yet and it was fun, but really hard the second night. I was so happy see him Sunday morning and he was so happy see me. It was the best greeting I have had from him yet...smiles and squeals and kisses and hugs! I will never forget it!

Our nights away were very enjoyable and very mellow and relaxing. We went out to dinner and had great Indian food one night, we spent 3 hours in a giant Goodwill and found piles of fabulous books, picture frames and goodies. We went to a huge asian market and explored the aisles of strange foods and fish. We drank wine and played scrabble...it was wonderful. Doug and Amy were friends of ours from Bozeman and we have a strange story...

I moved to Bozeman 1997 with my boyfriend at the time, Tim. We lived in a small apartment and after 8 months we broke up, but were still living together. I had a girlfriend I was moving in with, but hadn't found a place yet and thus hadn't told my landlord I was leaving. While at work one day ( a sporting goods store selling shoes) Amy came in and I sold her a pair of running shoes. She was wearing a mickey mouse t-shirt and we talked and she seemed pretty cool, but told me she was just in town for a few days to find a place to live for her and her boyfriend (Doug, who was in Alaska fishing). They would be moving to Bozeman that summer, 1998.

Later that day I was back at home, alone (my girlfriend and ex had gone camping together...it made me depressed...but they were just friends) when Amy appeared at my front door. She asked if there was an apartment for rent in the area. Mine was going to be for rent, but wasn't yet and we talked. I had not told her where I lived when I met her earlier that day...it was just random circumstance that she found my apartment.

She and Doug ended up renting our apartment that summer and then moving to a larger place upstairs in the same building where they lived the whole time there were in Bozeman. Well, in the fall of 1998 I was working for a retail store and hadn't seen Doug or Amy for a few weeks (we'd become good pals) and Doug came into my workplace and we started chatting. He asked what was new and I told him I was dating a new guy I really liked. Doug asked who and I said he probably didn't know him, but his name was Matt Grieshop. Doug did know him and he and Amy were good friends with Matt, in fact.

So, needless to say, the 4 of us have been great friends ever since then...nearly 10 years. We used to spend great times together in Bozeman. They moved to Seattle in 1999 or early 2000 and were very happy to hear we were moving to Wenatchee! We see them every few weeks now and it is so nice. Doug and Amy are the kind of friends you don't meet very often, but when you do you have them for life.

It Came

Well, we have officially started trying to get pregnant! Yeah! And boy did we try this month! I am not sure I like actually having to "try". I mean, of course I like the activity involved, but I don't like the not knowing and hoping it will be this month and anxiously awaiting the missed period. Last time we talked about trying and 6 weeks later I found out I was pregnant! I like that method!

So my friends and family say, "don't try, just let it happen"...and it just isn't in my nature!! I try to be relaxed about it and not worry or hope or wonder...but it doesn't work. I stopped charting in effort to be more relaxed.

Anyway, "it" came today and I did have tears in my eyes...even though I know we just started trying and it will happen. It was a let down. Oh well, I guess this means more fun sex and lots of great drinks until the next egg comes!

Attachment Parenting Group

After 6 months of my regular playgroup (which I started), I have decided to try to organize an attachment parenting group here in Wenatchee. I set up a yahoo groups website and made flyers. I have been talking to everyone I know who might be interested, asking them to tell thier friends and hopefully this will become something.

I had my first member join through the website two days ago and it makes me feel positive.

Another Sunday

We have been having the most amazing sunny weather lately and this morning we woke to more streaming into our living room. It was such a wonderful way to wake...especially after sleeping in Sam's room and being truley woken by his slippers in my face!

We had a nice breakfast while listening to some calm bluegrass and read the paper. We went for a nice hike across the street and sat on a big rock and looked out at our valley for a long time. Sam sat on Matt's lap while Cyrus sat on mine! Sam was pointing out into the sky and talking away as he described to us the things he saw...it was perfect.

Matt worked a little in his room while Sam and I shopped for curtain rods and then I went to a matinee (Brokeback Mountain) with my girlfriend. All in all a very nice day.

I was able to catch up on a friend's blog from France. They bought a beautiful old farmhouse in the country and it looks so picture perfect.