Just a few thoughts on a few random things happening and reoccurring here in my mind:
Perhaps it is just pure, raw female hormone pulsing within me, but I have been very emotional lately. I have cried every day since Sunday, either in an expression of happiness or sadness or fear.
My dear friend Michelle gave birth Sunday night to Adelina, her second daughter, in a labor much like mine with Arlo. I was at the birth center as child care for her older daughter and was able to witness Meera's first meeting with her younger sister. I cried with joy at this moment and sadness in remembering the same meeting of Sam and Arlo. It feels like yesterday I was in that moment and yet so long ago.
Arlo is taking to the weaning quite well and I cry for this reason. I am not ready to wean to him though I know that it is the right thing to do and it will be best for all of us when the surgery comes around. Reactions from others about my weaning of Arlo have varied. Some sort of shrug like it is no big deal and others try to sympathize and justify with the same ideas and thoughts I tell myself.
For the record; it is a very big deal to me and I feel my relationship changing with him in a way that I am not ready for. Arlo seems to be dealing in the way that he always has by gently expressing his concern, but fairly easily being comforted and/or distracted.
In remembering my birth of Arlo I am also remembering the loss of my mother or rather thinking of her a lot and wishing I could talk to her about everything that is happening. My dad has been great to talk to as well as my sister. I have been exchanging some very meaningful emails with Pat....but there is no replacement. I don't expect there to be. The feelings of loss and the ache of missing her is a reality and a fact, but those feelings have been very strong in the past few days.
Being in our new house has brought me so much joy, though I feel displaced and in a new environment. I know in time I will feel very comfortable here. It is just time that needs to pass.
My uncle said something to me in a phone conversation recently about blogging. He didn't understand why people feel the need to put personal information out into the internet world, open for all to see. I guess I understand why some folks wouldn't want to do that and I have sometimes wondered why I am compelled to blog. I am certain that I really enjoy it and in the past 3 years I have kept a consistent "journal" of sorts. Before that I had tried and tried and hadn't succeeded since my high school years. I also enjoy knowing that my close friends and family can keep in touch with the everyday things happening with us. Mostly I don't mind if strangers read what I write. Perhaps they will find some console in my experiences.
3 comments:
Thank you for your open heart and sharing with me, with all of us...crying is such a human response, and i like to think of it as a release of resistance...a way to open to allowing that which is to be. Also, it is so understandable to be feeling the absence of your mother's physical presence in all of this...how hard that must be. I also mourn with you what must feel like a premature weaning of sweet Arlo, knowing that under other circumstances the choice to do so would not be as sudden. He is such a resilient and dynamic child, he will not suffer for it, but i know you feel it for him and for yourself. All my love and thoughts go out to each of you as you prepare to undergo surgery and be on the path to being completely past this illness. Thank you for sharing the difficult times along with the easy and enjoyable, you are a treasure and a gift to us all.
I totally understand everything you have wrote. I always miss my mom the most when I just need someone to call and talk to. It has been so long now I forget why I am so upset and then remember that if my mom was still here, I would be on the phone talking to her.
I feel for you weaning of Arlo, and understand totally. I am not sure if I could do it, I have never had to other then to give W a year warning that we were not going to nurse anymore and he was three and able to reason with me.
Your doing the best you can, and I admire you for it.
I still feel so sad about weaning, especially when I see my mama friends nurse their little ones. Don't forget that weaning comes with its own set of horomonal changes. This may be the reason for your sadness. Crying still feels good sometimes though, in its own way. I build up to a good "cry session" every few months no matter what state I am in. At any rate, I am thinking of you always!
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