Parenting

I thought that as Sam got older parenting would get easier for a number of reasons...

1. He'd be older and more mature, independent, and self-motivated.


2. We'd have better communication with words and eventually be able to reason with one another.


3. Our relationship would have time to develop and settle.

All of these things have happened to a certain level and yet parenting has become harder. I still love being a parent and look forward to having another child; however, I am more scared now about parenting than I was before we had Sam!

Today I had a tough conversation with a friend about Sam's recent behaviour. Sam has been playing more rough with other kids (not hitting or biting, but just rough play). He is an energetic boy and not all of the other kids in our playgroup are as energetic as he is. He has definitely played in ways that are undesirable and I feel that I have interacted with him ways that will deter these behaviours as he listens, interprets, and learns how to interact with other kids. My friend told me that she no longer wants her son to play with Sam outside of playgroups and this hurt my feelings. I understand her perspective and respect it. However, it was the manner in which she communicated her feelings. Instead of just talking to me about it, she gave me the cold shoulder and when I sensed her distance and asked about it, only then did she express her feelings about Sam's behaviour.

The whole conversation has been haunting me today for a few reasons and I can't decide if it is because I am having sincere feelings about it or if it is because I started my period today and everything seems dramatic! I have talked with 3 good friends on the phone and I feel better after hearing different perspectives, but am still dwelling and sulking and weeping randomly. Sound like my hormones mostly, now that I reflect on my writings. One more good reason to continue the blog!

Christmas and Thoughts on the Season

Well our Christmas here in Wenatchee was quite fun with Matt's brother visiting and lots of family time. Sam completely enjoyed Christmas day with the gifts and the new toys and I know he loved just having everyone here playing with him all day long! We gave Sam a train table and accessories as his gift and he loved it...(see photos below).

The train table after we set it up on Christmas Eve.

The train table minutes after Sam discovered his new toy on Christmas Day.

As you can see the little village of "Garage Town" was hit by the toddler whirlwind known around our house as Sam and sometimes, "Chipi". What fun we still have with this toy.

So I was driving to the YMCA this morning for my workout and was quite taken by the music we were listening to. I missed the turn and ended up on a street I don't normally drive on. It was in the part of town where most of the Mexican population lives and many of the lower income families. Some of the houses looked so decrepit and sad. I thought as I drove I might feel better about what I have (not that I am feeling bad about it) and appreciate it that much more after seeing these homes...but I just felt overwhelmingly sad for the families that lived there. I watched a young girl play in her lawn with her puppy in front of what looked like a building that could crumbled with the slightest of breeze. She seemed happy and it just goes to show that a house doesn't make a person. I also saw many signs celebrating the season. One sign was a large piece of pressboard with the words, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!" painted in white. Perspective.

What to Write?

I find myself coming to my blog and wanting to write, but not knowing what to write about...then I ask myself, "why do I want to write if I can't think of anything to write about?", and, "Why can't I think about anything to write about...I am a busy woman with lots of really interesting thoughts, right?". Well, yeah, I have some pretty interesting thoughts in between the things I do everyday to keep me busy.

Mostly, lately I have been feeling depressed and mostly it is due to the weather. It has been very cloudy and foggy lately and warm enough that the snow has now melted, leaving behind lots of mud and grime.

Sam just woke up, so will continue this later...

Okay. it's later...like the next day!

So Matt and Andy (Matt's brother visiting from Pitttsburgh, PA) and I went skiing today and it was amazing. This is my 4th time up at the hill this year and by far the best skiing yet. The powder was great and weather nice. I loved it! Today helped very much with my foggy blues.

We have been recently addicted to the HBO series "Six Feet Under" and tonight we completed the seasons that are available on DVD. It is such an addicting show with characters that are deeply developed and messed up! Anyone else out there a "Six Feet Under" addict??

Just a little view of my weekly hiking spot.

Milk

As you all know (at least those of you who read regularly), we have been weaning Sam at a slow pace, pushing the night weaning and allowing him to pace the daytime weaning. Well, over the last few weeks the one nursing we had (first thing int he morning) has been dwindling. This morning Sam awoke at 6:30 a.m., early for him and patted me gently on my shoulder and said, "Mama" and then made the milk sign. I dutifully and happily lifted my shirt so he could nurse. He looked at me and latched on for a "gratis suck" and then said, "no, Mama" and pointed to the kitchen and made the milk sign again.

So, there you have it, I have been officially replaced by Silk's vanilla flavored soy milk! I do think that by the first day of 2006 we will be completely weaned. It is a little sad for me, but at the same time welcomed. I had hoped to tandem nurse a little, especially with Sam's one quick morning nursing. I think that I am not making much milk at all anymore. When he is thirsty he wants the soy milk and when he wants comfort he gets that in hugs and kisses.

It has been just over 3 months since we first began the night-time weaning.

Fiber

Now that we have fiber internet I spend way too much time surfing! Sometimes I just want to surf and don't know where to go, but somehow manage to spend hours looking at stuff. I know there are others out there just like me. I have also found this hi-speed surfing conducive to updating our web page and blogging (especially now that I know how to add photos!).

So we have decided to cut Sam's naps to an hour instead of 2+. He is not wanting to go to sleep at night even though he is tired and once he's asleep he sleeps great...it is just getting him to go down. It has been taking an hour (or more sometimes) to get him to sleep! UGH! So i need to spend less time surfing now and more time doing stuff as an hour's worth of nap goes quickly for a stay-at-home mom!

Travels

It seems as if since we had Sam, we have been taking a trip to one end of the country or the other every 4-8 weeks. I am tired! We just returned from a trip Kansas for Matt's Ph.D. graduation ceremony. It was a wonderful trip that allowed closure for both Matt and I to our 4 very hard years in Kansas. We also were able to spend some amazing time with friends that we have realized, since leaving, we love so, so much.

We stayed with my dear friend Tara and her family. I love Tara so much. It seems that she and I are so often onthe smae page of life and if I ever feel that I need to talk to someone with common threads, she is the one I turn to. She just completed her doula training and is getting busy with clients fast. Her outlook on life is so inspiring and it is important to me that my dear friends are inspiring. We talked for hours in to the nights (I should say mornings...like 3:30 a.m.) and I LOVED it! Seeing her kids so grown up and playing with Sam was so very important.

I also visited with another dear friend, Laura and her family, along with most of the moms I grew to love and need while I lived in Manhattan. Returning to Wenatchee was sad, but also so nice.

We hosted a Holiday party on Saturday night and I came down with a nasty cold early last week....so needless to say, the drinking I did Saturday night put me under the table and I am feeling it still today!

Sam did well travelling as he has grown accustomed to it...though he was quite tired too as you can see from this photo taken the day after we returned on our grocery outing! We all need to rest now before Santa arrives this weekend.

Let It Snow!

Okay, so after 5 years in Montana, a state with lots and lots of snow in the winter; I move to Kansas, a state with little snow in the winter (at least where I was). And now after 4 years in Kansas I am here in Washington....and do we have snow baby!?! Over the last week we have accumulated about a foot with 6-8 more inches coming tonight! I love it!! I bought a ski pass and the ski hill opens on Saturday...I am so excited!

However, this is my first year with a toddler and snow. I forgot what a hassle it is to get myself bundled up for winter weather, let alone, squirmy little Sam, all bundled in his snowsuit and mittens and hat and boots...then get us out the door...whew!

Sam has been having so much fun in the snow though. We have been sledding 3 times since we returned from CA and we also shoveled the driveway together.

I welcome the snow.It puts me in a great Christmas spirit and I love the snow sports (I have snowshoeing plans for tomorrow and ski plans for Sunday!).

Leaving Sam

Last Saturday Sam and I flew to Davis, CA to visit Matt's mom and dad and sister. We are still here. Eventually this week all of the family will arrive from everywhere for Thanksgiving.

My mother-in-law, Pat, had agreed to watch Sam for me overnight so I could go to San Francisco to visit a dear friend from high school. So Yesterday morning I took a train into SF and spent the night there away from my baby. On the train ride I sat with a wonderful woman and mother of 2 and we talked about our babies and birth stories (she is a midwife in training) and it was great. Once I arrived in SF, Jamie, my friend, kept me very busy and I hardly thought of Sam. When bedtime rolled around I was in such a wonderful haze from wine and friends and other things that I fell asleep hard and didn't even wonder about my sweet boy.

This morning I awoke with a startle, sat up in bed and realized that it was 7:30, the exact time Sam wakes up every morning! I quickly rolled over and went back to sleep. I didn't get up until almost 10 am! I did call and check in and Pat said that Sam slept all night!! I knew things would go well.

Then today Jamie and I went shopping and had sushi for lunch and by 5pm I was back on a train for Davis. It was a wonderful 2 days away and I will never forget it!

When I walked in to the house in Davis I could here my baby playing and I called his name...he turned to me and smiled a little, then went right back to what he was doing! I was a little sad, but I knew that meant that he was so comfortable in his place that he didn't need to make my return a big deal. He knew I would come back and he knows I am there for him if he needs me.

It was the best scenario for a first night away and what a wonderful first night away it was...

Bedtime

I am expecting that this entry will ring true for some of you...especially those AP parents out there...

So this is our bedtime ritual:

6:30ish p.m.
Dinner as a family, usually quite nice until Sam bats his hands back and forth making his "all done" sign and we let him out of his booster seat, at which point he either
A)Runs around and eventually ends up on my lap sticking his fingers in my dinner (which I have yet to eat because I was getting up and down making sure everbody had everything they needed) or
B)Matt plays with him in the living room so I can finish undisturbed(quite nice as long as I have a newspaper to read).

7:30ish p.m.
Bath...either Matt gives him a bath or I do...if you give the bath the other puts to sleep, if you do not bathe, you clean the kitchen...most nights I am ready for a break and I opt for the cleaning. Sometimes a bath is nice though and I enjoy playing with Sam while he's in the tub.

8:00ish p.m.
Books/Banana in Sam's room...Sam is now conditioned to go right into his bedroom after his bath for story time. This is my favorite part of the bedtime routine. Both Matt and I are there and we read stories to Sam either in his bed on all snuggled in his little tent. Sam loves the books and he will bring them to you until you can't see straight anymore. He also eats a banana (or most of one anyway) at this time. We have found it helps him to sleep better. He wants it every night, too...if we forget he runs into the kitchen and points at the fruit bowl!

8:30ish p.m.
Sleepy time...so here is where it gets interesting. Now that there is no nursing involved in out nightime routine, either Matt or I can put Sam to sleep. Some nights he is very picky and only wants me to do it and I usually honor that, but most nights he is fine with either of us or both of us. There are two ways this can go from here:

1. Me putting Sam to sleep...I lay down with Sam, lights out, bear in arms and blankets wrapped and tucked tight...then I sing my version of "Lullaby and Goodnight" once, then hum it once and if it is a good night, he'll be asleep. If it is a bad night, he will play with my nose and eyes and hair; try to pick my nose; stick his hands up my shirt, down my shirt, in my sleeve; play with my hair, nose, cheek, his nose, hair, cheek (yes, these are his favorites),;shake his head back and forth OR bump it against the wall...anything to keep himslef awake. At some point I go nuts and leave and Matt takes over OR I eventually fall asleep and wake up an hour later and sneak out.

2. Matt putting Sam to sleep...when Sam seems sleepy I give him lots of kisses and hug him and tuck him in then leave the room. I might hear a little cry, but usually nothing. Then I go check my email; post on my blog; fold laundry; read stuff online; paint the dining room trim (or whatever else I am painting at the moment); stuff diapers; read the newspaper and drink tea; make a fire in the fireplace; sit in the dark on the couch upstairs and look at our beautiful night view....I like it when Matt puts Sam to sleep!

So we've decided that Sam will eventually need to learn how to put himself to sleep. How do we teach him that at this point and still do it gently??

Sick

Sam woke up last night vomiting and continued to do so all night long. He nursed this morning and then puked that up too! He did manage to keep down half a banana for about a half an hour then lost it...though since then he's had crackers and some blanched apples and they have remained inside his tummy! So I canceled all of our plans today and Sam watched movies this morning, as he was so lethargic it suited him today. I baked bread, made chicken soup from scratch, fixed my repelling fuzzi bunz, put plastic over the windows in Sam's room for winter AND did all of the laundry from last night's barf-fest (5 loads)...just to top the morning off I also re-made all the beds and drank some tea. SO...I have really enjoyed our sick day! Am I sick for enjoying my son's sickness?

TV the Babysitter

Of late, our dear beloved and hated friend, TV, has been babysitting Sam. It seems that TV is better at it than me. TV can keep Sam occupied for an hour and a half (if I let TV stay that long) while I sometimes have trouble keeping Sam occupied and happy for 20 minutes! Sam loves TV. He goes crazy when he sees TV and I can't seem to tell TV to go to hell. What am I doing to my child? I choose the movies/programs that TV shows Sam (mostly SHREK and SKREK 2), but I still feel guilty. Then I rationalize TV by telling myself that TV was my best friend for 2-3 hours a day as a child and I turned out ok, right? Sam doesn't spend that much time with TV...I call my girlfriends (in other states even) and rationalize to them...still I feel guilty about allowing TV to spend so much time with Sam, yet the next day, there is TV calling to Sam (and to me!). HELP! Have I collapsed and given in to our cold and unfeeling society allowing objects and flickering lights and sounds to raise my child? Is Sam not using words because of TV (even though his sign language is amazing)? Am I a terrible mother for allowing TV, everybody's "kid next door", to come over and play?

As Sam grows I am continually amazed at what Sam can do and what he chooses to do. Some of which includes:
~Signing so many words that we can easily have a conversation and he can effectively communicate his needs and desires.
~Flushing the toilet 8 times in a 15 minute shower because he loves watching the water spin down the drain.
~Sticking his head in the toilet and singing so he can hear the difference in his voice.
~Giving closed mouth kisses (finally!).
~Sleeping all night, waking, nursing, playing and within an hour seem as tired as he does at the end of the day.
~Driving his little matchbox cars over everything in sight including, chairs, the dog, the toilet seat (do you see the recent obsession with the toilet?), himself and, of course, mom and dad, all while making a little "Brrrrmmmm" car sound.
~Running so fast he falls down laughing, then getting up and doing it all over again, and again and again.
~Loving his books and wanting to read them all the time with us or without us.
~Eating constantly! If he is awake he is eating.
~Climbing the numerous stairs all around and in and out of our home (and driving cars on them).
~Watching the movie Shrek everyday, if we let him.
~Singing in the bathtub and dancing to almost any song.
~Crying in sympathy when another kiddo cries.
~Squealing for joy when his daddy comes home from work.
~Thanks Tara, for this great idea!

Acupuncture

Last week I had acupuncture for the first time ever in my life! It was amazing! I felt so calm and collected after it was all done and no pain... I started having this weird cough whenever I bent over (like when picking up toys or weeding a flower bed) after I gave birth to Sam. The Dr.s in KS said it was an allergy and gave me an inhaler that never worked...so I have been exploring other options. It turns out I stretched my upper esophogial sphincter while pregnant and now it can't close properly to keep my stomach acid in when I bend over! WEIRD! There are little things I can do...like not eating after 7 pm, avoiding spicy food and alcohol, sleeping with a propped head and chest...and I am taking some chinese herbs along with acupuncture...it seems to be helping. I also cut out sugar from my diet. So far so good...

Night Weaned

Well, we are finally completely night weaned! It feels great! There was very little resistance from Sam and I don't feel used anymore...it was a win-win decision. Sam is also sleeping much better at night...waking only once, but more commonly not at all! I love it...and there was no "crying-it-out". I am so proud of myself for sticking to my belief in AP parenting. Sam nurses now once first thing in the morning and once after his nap. That is it. I am happy with these nursings and think that perhaps I may let him wean himself from here. We'll see how the upcoming months progress...

Busy

I am finally feeling as if I have a routine that fits with my life here. We have a new playgroup I created (trying to recreate the AP group from KS), yoga and pilates classes, a hiking mom's group I will start this week...it is nice. Along with this routine comes a busy day after another busy day...today we were so busy Sam didn't nap at all and hopefully will sleep okay tonight. I am also volunteering for the Farmer's Market Organizational group and have some busier times with that! Matt's mom and dad are visiting this weekend and I am trying to get a few things done before they arrive. I am very excited to see them, even if it means I feel compelled to clean a little more! I miss my Kansas women!!! I want to scream that from a window...it is a big ache in heart.

Sign Language and Other Stuff

In the last week Sam's signing vocabulary has grown! He now knows: "milk", "all done", "bye-bye/hi", "hot", "light", "please", "dog", "banana", "I want" and we invented a sign for "popsicle"! He creates sentences now with 2-3 signs in a row! It is amazing! He is trying to form spoken words, but we are just now getting to a point where we are communicating so freely...words aren't always needed. He still talks though! It is never quiet in this house. I have been missing my Kansas women so incredibly lately...and Sam has been missing his pals...we've been too reclusive. So, I decided since I have not found the playgroup I want, I am going to create one! I invited a large group of women and babes for a playgroup on Wednesday and I hope to create a regular weekly playgroup. A few of the moms I spoke with today seemed really into it, so things are looking good. While on vacation in Maine I decided I needed to become involved with something in the community that was not parenting related...so I am going to begin volunteering for the Farmer's Market Organization group. There is a fund raising event this Friday called the Cornucopia Gala and I will help decorate the winery (with Sam on my back!). Then on Friday evening, Matt and I will attend the event! I can't wait! I am so excited to meet some new people and help out our Farmer's Market! P.S. The weaning is going well.

Weaning

A few years ago I visited a very close girlfriend of mine in Colorado. She had just weaned her 18 month old son and was rearing to go out with me and live it up for a night. I remember thinking about weaning and nursing and how it all seemed so far away from me then. That was in June of 2002...here we are just over 3 years later and I am in the middle of weaning. I firmly believe in respecting the needs of your children and honoring the ever-important parent-child attachment bond. I never thought I would actively wean Sam. I imagined him weaning himself in this beautiful, idyllic fantasy. Of course, that was all before the months of nipple twisting and public boobie snuggling. There was no public boobie snuggling in my fantasy! So here we are actively weaning. Matt has been great. He puts Sam to sleep at night with no fuss from Sam and he has been taking night wakings successfully too! So where does this leave me? I feel as though I am not needed in that department anymore...a good feeling and a hollow feeling. I feel like I am being used for my boobies, not the milk, the boobies! Ugh. I can comfort Sam to sleep with little songs and gentle touches... I miss nursing even though we are not completely weaned, I miss the long nursings where Sam would take in the fantastic milk that all of us mothers make; where I would feel the let down and the rush of Prolactin after...I miss that. I haven't had that with Sam for a long time. I know it is time to wean. I look forward to being done. I can't wait to comfort Sam with only little songs and gentle touches...no boobie snuggling.

Travels

Last Wednesday (Sept. 14th) Matt flew out of Seattle to Michigan for work and Sam and I stayed in Seattle to explore! It was great fun as we had 3 days to run around the city. We went to the Woodland Zoo, the Public Market (we watched the guys throw the fish!), up the Space Needle and had excellent sushi (Sam had the veggie roll, but LOVED IT). We also explored IKEA and Trader Joe's Natural Food store! I really should write an entire separate entry about IKEA; what an amazing place!

On Saturday the 17th, we flew out of Seattle for Maine, where we are now. I had forgotten how amazing it is here. The weather has been nice and we've been exploring. We took a tour of Pantheon Guitars, the makers of Beaujois Guitars. Matt really loved that. It was quite interesting and we even managed to keep Sam entertained (it helped when I finally got him settled in the sling and then slipped behind the packing counter and nursed him!).

We spent today in Camden walking around and had lunch at Cappy's Restaurant, a true Maine find and a great place to have some clam chowdah! Matt and I will sneak off to a movie tonight, leaving the grandparents to babysit!

A hike tomorrow and the Common Ground Fair (a fair to celebrate local and organic farming) on Friday...can't wait for that! Back to WA on Saturday...a quick trip.

It is hard to return home after you have left. I love being here and miss it and feel old and young and sad and happy...does that ever change? I wonder how Matt sees this place...I wish I could see it through his eyes for a day...or Sam's eyes.

Returning to Wenatchee will be hard and easy. I am looking forward to being in our new house with nowhere to be for a while...but I will miss the great companionship of my parents and the amazing Maine coast, the fog in the evening, the misty wet fields, the wildflowers and salty air. A part of me still belongs here.

Chelan County Fair

On Saturday we took Sam and met some friends at the Chelan County Fair. It was great country fun! As soon as we walked onto the fair grounds the familiar smells of funnel cake grease and cow poo came wafting our way rushing back memories of adolescence. I remember getting all dressed up in new school clothes to meet my girlfriends at the fair hoping to see my latest crush, eat lots of fried food and go on the GRAVITRON or the like. Sam had a great time petting the goats and sheep and pigs and cows. He even did his best to make rooster sounds over and over again. We ate lots of greasy food, listened to a bluegrass band from Oregon, and rode on the merry-go-round. Sam was, at first, scared then very excited and then sad it was over. Quite a myriad of emotions for a 5 minute time span...as per usual in the life of a toddler. We stopped at all the little goody stands and played with the cheesy toys and found a great little Guatemalan stand with knit finger puppets. Sam was quite fond of the giraffe and we bought it for him. All in all we had one pooped out little tropper who crashed on the way home with powdered sugar still dusting his cheeks.

Ordinary Day

I unpacked some more boxes yesterday morning in preparation for a friend coming to visit from Seattle. The guest room is pretty much ready now. In the process of unpacking I found Sam's baby book and album and realized how far behind I am! So this morning after getting Sam to sleep I tried to catch up. One of the pages in his baby book asked me to describe an ordinary day for us. It was so hard! What is ordinary? Common? Lately we've had a crazy routine and Sam has been napping in the morning instead of the afternoon; all of our errands and fun stuff happen after lunch instead of before; we rarely play with other babes; the t.v. is on more than I'd like (I think I've seen "SHREK" 6 times in the last 3 days!)...is this normal? I remember life in Kansas seemed so much more routine and ordinary than life here. Perhaps we are still in the wake of moving. I hope the water calms soon. I have decided to begin the weaning process once we return from our trip to Maine on the 24th. For a while now I have been unhappy with nursing and Sam isn't really "nursing" anymore. He is playing or nuzzling or he sucks for 10 seconds then runs away. I know this is common "toddler nursing", but it is driving me crazy! I don't think I am cut out for nursing a toddler. I had originally wanted to allow him to wean himself, but I am becoming miserable and I never look forward to nursing; it is a chore and it is happening more frequently. I know with the move and all the changes Sam needs the comfort, and I feel that I have respected that. It will be a slow and gentle wean, but a definite one.

Moved and Lovin' It!

The moving went fairly easy over the weekend. Actually I dreaded it so much that I was grumpy for the first few hours, but after our first major load was done and I could see progress, I perked up. Our new neighbors helped carry our things up all our stairs. They are an amazing family, a divorced mom and 3 kids. Very friendly, very compassionate and just great people to be around. So, all of our things are here and we are slowly getting unpacked and it feels so good. I managed to paint the kitchen and two bedrooms last week, which has definitely made the move much easier. Now the kitchen and the upstairs bathroom are unpacked, Sam's room is mostly there and we're getting closer on our bedroom. There just isn't enough nap time! I hosted a playgroup today, even though we're still swimming in boxes. It was great fun, but what a difference from playgroups back in Kansas. The moms came around 10 am and only 2 stayed for a while, but by noon, everyone was gone! Only 2 hours of playing! Man, back in KS we'd have day long playgroups and they were great!! I did enjoy myself and so did Sam. He took a great nap this afternoon and allowed me to unpack more. After nap time we played in the yard and I trimmed up some rose bushes and we went up and down all of our stairs. Sam loves the stairs and loves climbing...and he is quite good too. We finally went inside for a while and I was reading while he played. He brought his baby to me and I pretended to nurse the baby, asking him if it was okay if I shared the milk with the baby. He laughed and thought it was great to see me nursing his baby. I burped the baby and handed it back to him telling him that the baby was full and was ready to play. He handed the baby back to me and said in actual words, "Mama, baby want..." and then he signed "more" and then "milk"! I couldn't believe it! So I nursed the baby some more and we played this game for a while, going back and forth. He amazes me! Tomorrow I am taking the neighbors kids and Sam to the Farmer's Market and it should be great fun!

Small Hands

We co-slept with Sam until he was about 6 months, when we began putting him to sleep in his room on a futon mattress on the floor. At some point in the night he would move into our bed, often before midnight, but if it was a good night, not until 2 or 3 a.m. The hour at which he moved into our bed gradually grew later and later into the morning hours. Some nights were better than others and some night he was never been in his bed, or I was never in my bed. In the last month (since the teething has seized), Sam has been waking only once at night and often NEVER moving into our bed. He has recently even slept all night without waking. Last night Matt put Sam to bed (a new and much needed development in our night time parenting) at 9:30 p.m. and he slept until 12:30 a.m. when I nursed him back to sleep in his bed. I returned to my bed thinking that he may sleep until morning. At 6:45 a.m. he woke and I brought him into bed with me. Matt has been going to work very early at this new job and often after 5 a.m. I have the bed to myself, so Sam was more than welcome this morning. I nursed him and after he lay there with his back to me and his little arm twisted around so his small hands could stroke my face and arm...just as reassurance that I was still there as he fell asleep. I LOVE these mornings! I love his small hands playing with my hair and touching my arms and face. I know I these days are limited and he will grow and eventually he won't be in our bed in the early morning hours. I will haver fewer and fewer moments like those I had this morning. I think too, that had we not chosen to co-sleep I would have never had these moments. This is a thank you to those moms in Manhattan, KS who showed me that attachment parenting and co-sleeping are wonderful ways to live, to nurture and to love your children. Your support has been immeasurable. For a great article on Attachment Parenting visit: http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/ap-frame-of-mind.html

Beer and Moving

Tonight Matt, Sam and I drove to Cashmere (about 10 miles into the mountains) and met up with some friends of ours from Montana that live here now. We had dinner at a great BBQ place and then went to a new brew pub and drank beer. It is a family friendly place that allows kids, even though it is a bar! I love it! We were the only ones with a kid though, but had a great time. It is an open place with nothing for Sam to get into, so he just walked around...AND there is NO SMOKING! Perfect for kiddos! I really enjoyed myself, drank a couple beers and actually had adult conversations all while being a mommy too. It is rare that you can do all that in a public place, especially on the west coast. We took Sam into the waiting area of a restaurant that had a bar in Seattle and they asked us to leave because it was technically a bar, even though it was also the waiting area for the restaurant! Anyway, this place is nice and I am sure we'll meet friends there again. Good beer too! Tomorrow we are moving out of the trailer and into the house. I am exited, but not looking forward to moving again. Ugh. It shouldn't take too long and we do have someone to watch Sam, that will help. But, ugh. I hate moving.

Freak Out

We closed on our house last week and since then I have been so busy working in the house trying to get some of the rooms painted before we move in this weekend. I managed to strip the wallpaper, prime and paint the kitchen (in a "tuscan" style), and paint both upper level bedrooms! Now I just need to strip the wallpaper in the upper level bathroom. Matt and I pulled most of it down already so it won't be too hard. I learned a trick from a neighbor: use fabric softener to remove the paper! Just wipe it on with a dry rag and then peel the paper. You can use it to get the glue off the walls too. There is no bad smell (unless you dislike fabric softener smell) and no real harsh chemicals. I spent all yesterday morning painting, then painting through Sam's nap. Matt met us at the house at 5:00 pm and we went to dinner, returned to the house and he took Sam so I could paint. I was refreshed and ready to get the last bedroom done; I had the Indigo Girls blasting and I was going to enjoy my time alone. As I was about to finish painting the trim, the music suddenly stopped. I thought it was strange so I waited a moment thinking maybe the cd skipped. Nothing happened and I started to feel an eery vibe. I stood up and walked into the hallway leading to the dining room. To my left was the dining room with the cd player and to my right was the living room and front door. I turned to see the front door wide open! I freaked out sure there was someone in the house. My heart pounding I called out, "Is anyone there?" Of course, no one answered. What intruder would? I ran back into the bedroom, grabbed my cell phone and then darted out the front door onto the lawn. It was still light out and I called Matt. Shortly thereafter, Matt arrived with Sam and he, with big metal flashlight in hand, went into the house to rid the house of mean burglars for me! Of course, there was no one inside. I overreacted, but it was pretty scary for a few moments. Needless to say, I went back to painting and finished later that night. This morning I am so sore and I have a cold...ugh! I think Sam and I will be really mellow today, do some laundry and maybe pack a few boxes for our big move across town tomorrow. Oh, Sam's new word is "doovray". I have no idea what it means, but he says it all the time. He is now walking 100% of the time.

Anniversary

Today is Matt's and my 5th wedding anniversary. It is strange to imagine what we were doing 5 years ago...and all of it childless! We have had a nice day...all day! I packed a picnic lunch and Matt, our friend Michel and Sam and I met at the new house and had lunch on the floor in the new dining room! It was fun. I bought Sam a used Radio Flyer wagon at a yard sale and I pulled him around the yard in it...he LOVES it! The afternoon went fast as Sam and I spent it in Home Depot buying paint and such...spending lots of money getting ready to make our house a home. Matt gave me a beautiful sapphire and diamond ring! What an amazing husband giving me such a lavish gift. I love it! I gave Matt 2 tickets to see Leo Kottke (his favorite guitarist) perform in Seattle in October. It is a weekend free of babes and wives! What a gift, huh? He is excited and I am glad he likes it! He deserves a weekend like that. Sam spent the evening with our neighbor, Cindy, while Matt and I had a nice dinner and spent some amazing time together without Sam! We even bought a small used truck! It was so fun driving it and bargaining with the seller! What a great way to celebrate 5 happy years as a married couple. When we got home, after 5 hours gone, Sam squealed with joy, nursed, rolled over and went to sleep! You really can't beat that!

Secret

Next Friday is Matt's and my 5th wedding anniversary. We decided to spend a little more money on each other this year seeing that it is a "big" one. However, I am having one heck of a time trying to figure out what to get him. Often, the money constraint makes it more challenging, but I don't have that problem this time. I am usually very good at gift giving and I am usually on top of things with the gift purchased weeks in advance. Not this time! Tonight I finally figured out what to get him and hopefully I can buy it tomorrow morning. Now, though, I have to wait until Friday to give it to him...ugh...I am terrible at secrets...and so is he! I have a good idea of what he is getting for me, but I am trying not to think about it too much, as he may not be doing what I think he is....I feel like a little kid on Christmas.

Truck!

I stayed up last night and FINALLY finished Harry Potter! I thought it was a great read, but was disappointed in the ending. I found it to be somewhat predictable; however, I loved Harry in this book! I thought he had a great attitude and I really enjoyed all of the characters as they have developed. Can't wait for the next (and last, right?) book! Yesterday was a fabulously "lazy" day. Sam slept in and for 2 hours and I was able to drink coffee and read in silence! It was so nice! Then he napped for over 2 hours later in the day and I layed in the hammock and read...(guess how I finished Harry Potter?)...in between his naps we played with the neighbors. We have been so lucky with our neighbors...honestly wonderful people. Cindy and her son C. are great. Sam and C. play so well together and Cindy is an avid reader and we talk about books and everything. She's awesome! During our playtime Cindy was standing near Sam as the recycling truck was picking up our recycling, and Sam pointed to it and said "truck"! I didn't hear him, but Cindy did very clearly! Sam amazes me everyday! He can now cross his index finger and middle finger on his right hand and spent the better part of Saturday doing this to his own great amusement. He can "drive" his car on his own and now walks 80% of the time! We found out today that we will close on our house next Thursday! 10 days earlier than we had originally thought. We are both very excited. I am meeting with our realtor tomorrow and will take some pictures of the house, so check the website (see link to the right) for updates! Sam and I had a playdate today with Monica and Sara and their kiddos. It was great. These women are very similar to many of the friends I had in Manhattan and they would have fit right in at the AP playgroups. I still miss all the AP women and kids so much, but today was great for me and for Sam. I rode my bike with Sam in the trailer today to Monica's and what a difference from riding in Manhattan! The hills and the wind (not so different). I was pooped after that ride...must have been at least 3 miles each way. Needless to say, it is only 7:30 and Sam has been asleep for a half an hour already!

Letter

When I think about myself 10 years ago I remember a person that just seems like she is not me. Today I recieved a letter from a woman I knew over 10 years ago. She was an amazing friend I have never forgotten, but lost touch with over the years...and here she is today, in my life again. I could cry with excitment and joy and anxiousness. I looked for her name on the internet hoping to find an email address, and instead found numerous websites about her career as a musician, a singer and songwriter, guitarist. She has a website of her own. As I typed in the address slowly her face appeared and then the handwriting I grew to recognize and longed to see in my family's mailbox 10 years ago, covered the screen. Now I must write her a letter, but I don't know where to begin or what to say. How do I express what I feel about this reunion? How do I summarize over 10 years of experiences?

The Bike Shop

The new Harry Potter book is driving me crazy! I am about half way through and all I can think about is sneaking away to read more. It is 5:30 am and I just woke to nurse Sam. After he returned to sleep I decided I'd get up and read! I am sacrificing precious sleep for this book! Can you imagine? (I know some of you can...Tara...) The night before last Sam woke up vomiting and continued to do so all night long. I slept with him in his room and what a night. I distinctly remember thinking, "This will not be the last time I am awake all night with a sick child." Yesterday morning he seemed to be feeling a bit better, no fever (non the night before either), but his appetite was definitely curbed...not like my son at all. We had a pretty mellow day, went to the Farmer's Market and stopped by a bike shop right next door. As we were wondering around checking out these cool new cambering vehicles called Trikkes ( www.trikke.com ), I notice Sam sitting on the floor and he seemed distressed. I kept a close eye only to notice moments later a fine ooze of poop running out of his diaper legs (yes, that is plural, out BOTH legs) onto the bike shop floor! I was so embarrassed and sad for poor Sam! Matt and I quickly performed diaper cleanup on what had become the equivalent of a super fund sight! The store owner was, fortunately, a woman and mother and completely understood and dawning her traditional yellow rubber cleaning gloves and a bottle of Simple Green, she cleaned the floor for us. He continued to have these nasty poops all day and by the evening his appetite returned. He slept great last night. I can only imagine it was a small bug or he ate something that didn't agree with him. Poor guy! We are off to Seattle today to visit a friend from Manhattan, Ze. He is in town for a conference and we aren't sure when we will see him again, so we decided to make the drive over "the hill". I am looking forward to a day out of Wenatchee, even though I really like it here, a change of scenery is always nice. Well, back to Harry Potter...what a punchy little bugger he is this round...

Nap Time

Ahhhhh, the beauty of naps. I so enjoy Sam's nap time, especially now that we are renting for a bit. I don't really have anything I MUST do, no yard work or house painting...just whatever I feel like doing during the 1.5 - 2 hours of quiet time I usually get everyday. Today I was surprised by a call from Jane and we talked for a bit, then I made a pasta salad to have with dinner tonight, now I am spending a few moments online...next a shower, maybe a little laundry and if I still have time...HARRY POTTER!! The other bonus to nap time is that Sam almost always wakes up in a great mood! Then we can play or go on adventures and I don't have to worry about or deal with a fussy boy...can't beat the afternoon (or morning) nap...

Summer Fire

I took Sam for a walk this morning around East Wenatchee. While the fire at Dirty Face Mountain is dying down; there is a new fire near Cashmere making our neighborhood very clouded. The air is thick with smoke and the smell instantly reminded me of living in Bozeman. Our view is not what is was yesterday. Sam feel asleep as we walked and he naps now giving me some time to reflect. My trip to the Cashmere pool yesterday with Monica and her kids was fabulous. Sam really enjoyed himslef, as did I. The pool is fantastic with a nice wading area for the little kiddos and deeper parts for adults and older kids. There are fountains and a "rain mushroom" to play under! Sam wanted to be with the big kids and kept trying to crawl into the deep end! Needless to say, I was a very busy mama making sure he didn't drown! I met some fabulous moms with similar parenting philosophies and I believe these will be the women I grow to love here. I had an amazing dream last night that Matt and I bought an orange VW Bug and a VW Truck with drop down gates. I was driving the bug all over Wenatchee with Jane inside teaching me how to keep the bug going! We were having a blast, laughing. Her curls were shining in the sun like they do in the waking world. I miss you girl! We found out this morning that our closing date on the house will be a bit earlier than expected! This wil give us time to paint and do some cleaning before we move in as we have already paid rent through the end of August. I am quite excited about the new house. It will be nice to be settled in although once we are there we will have a never ending list of things to do. I can't wait! My spirits have been higher the last two days and I think in part becasue I have had some time to myself with Matt back at work. He feels his purpose here as well, and not so in limbo as last week. Meeting some other mothers helped too.

New Beginnings

We have been in Wenatchee, Washington exactly 13 days. I am slowly beggining to meet a community of mothers, families and friends that will make up my and my family's existence here in Central Washington. Moving is so hard! When we moved to Kansas from Montana (before Sam, our 14 month old son), I don't remember having any of the feelings I am having now...fear, peace, anxiety, excitement, love, hate....so many conflicting emotions. It is making my transition much harder. This afternoon I will accompany a new friend, Monica, to a puppet show and then to a local pool so our kids can play. I am hopeful and nervous and excited...again so many emotions, my body is in overload! How many times can a person have new beginnings such as these and remain stable and consistent? This is round 3 for me...we'll see where I end up.